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FAIRY GRAMMAR 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 



BY 



J. HAROLD CARPENTER 




Illustrated 



NEW YORK 

E. P. DUTTON & CO. 

681 FIFTH AVENUE 



Copyright, 1920. 

)MPANY 
\ 



By E. p. DUTTON & COMPANY v \ v 



All Rights Reserved /^S/ /kfv^ 

^0^ 



PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 

©CIA597063 

AOG 17 1920 



PREFACE 

SOME years* experience in teaching children 
the first elements of English Grammar 
has enabled me to sympathise not only with the 
children in their endeavours to grasp a difficult 
subject, but also with the teachers whose duty it 
is to help them to master their difficulties. To 
the young mind, a lesson in grammar affords but 
little interest ; to the teacher, the subject is too 
often devoid of everything which can assist in 
making a lesson enjoyable to the pupil ; and, un- 
less he or she is blessed with a gift of humour 
and imagination above the ordinary, the lessons in 
grammar develop into something closely akin to 
drudgery for both pupil and teacher. A child 
can be taught anything with the aid of its imagina- 
tion ; and, although at first sight it might seem 
impossible to connect a lesson in grammar with 
the imagination of a child, yet I confidently 



viii FAIRY GRAMMAR 

believe that this Uttle book will effect that 
mysterious combination. 

There is no new method of teaching, no new- 
fangled device involved in this book. It is merely 
a tale by means of which the child's imagination 
is brought to bear upon a difficult and uninterest- 
ing subject (from the child's point of view), and 
which, I believe, will enable the young mind to 
grasp the importance of grammar, and all uncon- 
sciously to learn its first mysteries. Certainly, the 
lessons are not carried very far ; but experience 
has shown me that, when once a child has firmly 
grasped the diiFerence between the parts of speech, 
no difficulty is experienced in erecting the rest of 
the edifice. And I believe in making a child's 
firsjt efforts as easy and as pleasant as possible. 

The book will serve more purposes than one. 
It may be used as a reader at school, from which 
many exercises in grammar may be taken that 
will prove interesting to the young class; or it 
may be used simply as a tale, and the child be 
left to amuse itself and to learn as it reads. Nor 
do I think that the adult reader will find it una- 
musing ; and I am confident that any parent or 
teacher who scans these pages will at once grasp 



PREFACE IX 

the advantages which the book offers of teaching 
the child in such a way that pleasure becomes 
mutual. And thus I sincerely hope that this 
little book will indeed prove to be a Fairy 
Grammar. 

My thanks are due to Mr. A. Watson Bain 
for the definitions in the Appendix. 

J. H. C 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER I 
The Coming of Ram-marg . 



CHAPTER II 

The First Lesson. John learns of something he cannot 

do without 8 

CHAPTER III 

The Second Lesson. John liarns of something which 

stands in place of something else . . . .22 

CHAPTER IV 

The Third Lesson. Sir Arthur James describes some- 
thing, BUT he does not USE AN AdJECTIVE ... 38 

CHAPTER V 
The Fourth Lesson. John learns that he can have too 

MUCH OF A good THING ...... 58 



xii CONTENTS 

CHAPTER VI 

PAGE 

The Fifth Lesson. John finds things upside down, and 

so DOES Sir Arthur James ..... 76 

CHAPTER VII 

The Sixth and Seventh Lessons. Dr. Lomas learns the 
difference between prepositions and conjunctions, 

AND SO DOES JoHN ....... 90 

CHAPTER VIII 
John learns the biggest lesson of all .... 99 



ALL THE BOYS 
I MET AND TAUGHT 

AT 

BELSIZE SCHOOL 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 

CHAPTER I 

THE COMING OF RAM-MARG 

JOHN Henry Arthur Percival Sparks was 
eight years old, all but a few hours. That 
is to say, by the time the sun had risen and day- 
light had come again it would be his birthday. 
At the time this story begins he was in bed, and 
he was also in a very bad temper. That is why 
he was in bed ; for he would not have been there 
had he been in a good temper, in which case this 
story might never have been written. 

You have very likely laughed because John 
Henry Arthur Percival Sparks had so many names 
to be called by. But that was not his fault ; and 
if you want to know why he had so many names, 
you must ask his father or mother, or some of his 
uncles and aunts, for I am afraid I cannot tell you. 
At any rate, it was no fault of his — of that you may 

be sure. But it was his fault that he was in a bad 

1 



2 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

temper, and therefore it was his fault that he was 
in bed. And it was also his fault that this story 
ever had a beginning. 

Of course, Master J. H. A. P. Sparks would 
not agree with me in all this. He would say 
that it was his mother's fault that he was in 
bed before his time. She had sent him there. 
After all, he had not done anything very wrong. 
He had certainly been naughty at his lessons all 
day, but that was not the reason he had to go to 
bed early. He had been punished because he 
had very much wanted to open one or two brown- 
paper parcels in the dining-room, nice brown- 
paper parcels all tied up with string, reminding 
him that to-morrow was his birthday. And, 
though he had been told three times not to touch 
them, he had at last succeeded in poking a hole in 
one of them. And then a lot of horrid white 
powder stuff had fallen out and made a mess all 
over the dining-room carpet, when all the while he 
had thought that that parcel was for him ! That 
was why he was in bed ; not for making the mess 
all over the carpet, but because he had not obeyed 
his mother and left the parcel alone. 

It had been a very bad day for j. H. A. P. 
Sparks, bad from the time he had got up to the 



THE COMING OF RAM-MARG 3 

time he had been put to bed again. His gover- 
ness. Miss Walker, said that she had never known 
him so naughty ; and he had spent most of the 
morning standing in the corner of the school-room, 
because he would not try to learn the lesson in 
Grammar which she was teaching him. The 
more she punished him, the worse he became ; 
until his last act of disobedience sent him where 
he should have been a long while ago — to bed. 

And there he lay in the dark, sometimes angry, 
sometimes sulky, and all the time very unhappy. 
And he was a little frightened, too, because to- 
morrow would be his birthday ; and he had been 
so tiresome that they might punish him by not 
giving him his presents. That would really be 
too bad ! 

He was thinking about those presents more 
and more, and feeling very sorry for himself, 
when all of a sudden he heard a squeaky little 
voice calling him by name. 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks," squeaked 
the voice somewhere at the foot of his bed. 

"What's that ! " asked John. 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks,'' said the 
voice again. 

" Who are you ? " asked John, a little frightened. 



4 FAIRY GEAMMAR 

" Never mind who I am," said the voice, which 
sounded just like the squeak a pencil will some- 
times make in writing on a slate. " I want to 
talk to you." 

" Where are you ? " asked John. 

" Never mind where I am," answered the 
squeak. "Just listen to me ! " 

" What do you want ? " 

" I have already told you. I want to talk to 
you. Why do you not learn your lessons ? " 

" I hate them ! " said John. 

" How many parts of speech are there ? " 

" I don't know, and I don't care ! " replied John. 

"Then I am going to teach you," said the 
voice. 

" You can't," said John. " Nobody can." 

" He-he ! " squeaked the voice. "John Henry 
Arthur Percival Sparks, you are a fool." 

" I don't care ! " said John. 

" What is a noun ? " asked the voice. 

" I don't know," answered John. 

"Then I shall teach you," said the voice. 
" What is a pronoun i " 

"I don't know." 

" Then I shall teach you that. What is an 
adjective ? " 



THE COMING OF RAM-MAEG 5 

*' I don't know," answered John. " So shut 
up, and don't ask me any more silly ques- 
tions ! " 

" Very well," said the voice. " Now listen to 
me. To-morrow I shall teach you what a noun 
is, and the next day I shall teach you what a 
pronoun is, and the next day you shall learn what 
an adjective is ; so that, in a week from to-day, 
you will have learnt all the parts of speech, one 
every day. And you will not forget them again, 
I can promise you." 

" Pooh ! " said John. " You can't teach me if 
I don't want to learn. Nobody can." 

" I can," said the voice. 

"I don't believe you," said John. "And I 
simply won't learn, so there ! " 

" He-he ! " laughed the squeak, and now it 
sounded so loud, that it seemed as though the 
slate was being scratched all over with the pencil. 
" Don't forget. Your lessons will begin to- 
morrow, and will last for seven days. Seven 
parts of speech— seven days in the week. See ? " 

" How are you going to teach me ? " asked 
John. 

" You'll see to-morrow." 

" I don't believe you," said John. 



6 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" He-he ! '' laughed the squeak, dancing all 
over the slate. 

" How can you teach me ? " argued John. "You 
are nobody." 

" That is just it/* said the voice. " That is the 
very thing you said just now. You said that 
nobody could teach you. Well, I am Nobody, 
and I am going to teach you." 

" I won't learn," said John. 

" You shall," said the squeak. 

" I won't," said John. 

"You shall," said the squeak. "You shall 
learn a new part of speech every day for a week." 

" How will you teach me ? " 

" Do you want to know very much ? " said the 
squeaky voice. " Very well. Listen : 

" No one values what he has, 

When he has a lot ; 
Everybody wants to get 

What he hasn't got. 
Things which you make use of most 

Are the Parts of Speech ; 
And you'll value them much more 

When they're out of reach." 

" Ta-ta," continued the squeaky voice, fading 
away into the distance. " If you want to know, 
my name is Ram-marg. Don't forget ; to- 
morrow you shall learn what nouns are." 



THE COMING OF RAM-MARG 7 

" I don't believe it," said John to himself, 
after he had listened to see whether the voice 
would speak to him again. " I don't believe it, 
I have been dreaming. That's what it is." 

'' Oh no, you haven't ! " squeaked the voice 
suddenly, and so close to his ear that John nearly 
tumbled out of bed. 

'' I wish you wouldn't do that ! " said John. 
" I don't like it. Where are you ? " 

But, though he strained his ears for a reply, 
and thought that once he heard a very faint 
squeak from a far corner of the room, nothing 
further happened ; and he was still listening 
intently for that squeaky little voice, when he 
fell fast asleep. 




CHAPTER II 

THE FIRST LESSON 

JOHN LEARNS OF SOMETHING HE CANNOT DO 
WITHOUT 

JOHN was roused from sleep by a sudden 
flood of sunlight pouring into the room, 
and, on lifting his head from the pillow, found 
Miss Walker pulling up the blinds. 

" Hullo ? " he said sleepily. " Is it .? " 

He paused, for somehow he had forgotten the 
word he wanted to use. 

'' Yes, it is,'' answered Miss Walker. " And 
I do hope you are in a better temper than 
yesterday." 

" It's my ." Again he had to pause, for, 

although the word was on the tip of his tongue, 
he forgot what it was as soon as he tried to 
speak it. 

" It's your what ? " asked Miss Walker, pour- 
ing out some water into the basin, 

8 



THE FIRST LESSON 9 

'^ It's my you know my what-do- 

yo„u-call-it." 

" Birthday, I suppose you mean," said the 
governess. 

"Yes," answered John. "That is what I 
meant. But haven't I got any ? " 

" Any what ? " asked Miss Walker. 

"Any ." 

"Well?" 

" Oh, you know what I mean ! " said John, 
a puzzled look on his face. 

" I am sure I do not," answered Miss Walker, 
preparing his clothes. 

" Aren't there any any thing-um-i- 

jigs for me ? " asked John, sitting up in bed. 

"Bless the boy! What do you mean by 
that .? " 

" Oh, you know quite well what I mean ! " 
he answered crossly. 

" I'm sure I do not," said Miss Walker again. 
" Come on. Get out of bed, or we shall be late 
for breakfast." 

John obeyed, and began putting on his 
clothes, trying to think of the word he wanted. 

Presently he looked all round the room for 
something he could not find. 



10 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" Where are my ? " 

"What?" asked Miss Walker. ''What is 
it you want ? " 

" My . Oh, you know ! " answered 

John. But the more he tried to think of the 
word he wanted, the more confused his mind 
became. 

" How on earth am I to know ? " asked 
Miss Walker. " You silly boy ! Why don t 
you tell me i " 

" I can't remember what they are called," he 
replied helplessly, searching high and low for 
something he could not find. " They go on 
my you know." 

" Bless the child ! " exclaimed the governess. 
" What does he want ! " 

" Don't you know what I mean ? " cried John, 

getting cross. " I want my -the they 

go on my- they go on here," and he lifted 

a bare foot for Miss Walker to see. 

"I suppose you mean your stockings," said 
the governess. 

" Yes, that's it," he answered eagerly. " I 
can't find them anywhere." 

"Then why didn't you ask for them ? " 

" I did ! " 



THE FIRST LESSON 11 

"You never mentioned them once," said 
Miss Walker. 

"I couldn't remember what they were called/* 
he answered. 

She produced the stockings from the bed, 
where they were hidden under the bed-clothes, 
which he had thrown back on rising, and John 
finished dressing in silence. But, while Miss 
Walker was brushing his hair, he made another 
attempt to speak. 

" Have you seen ? '* 

" What ? '' she asked. 

" You know," said John. 

" I don't. How can I ? " said Miss Walker. 

He tried to say the word in vain. He 
knew very well what it was ; he could even 
spell it in his own mind ; but, as soon as ever 
he tried to speak, it vanished from his memory. 

" Oh bother ! " he exclaimed at last. " I 

can*t think what the 1 can't think what it 

is I want. I know very well what I want to 
say, but I forget it.'^ 

" Bless the boy ! " said Miss Walker again. 
'* What are you talking about .? " 

"' Is she up yet I " asked John. " Have you 
seen her i " 



12 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

"Who?" 

" Oh, you know ! My ; she has got some 

you know what they give you on your 

He paused, quite unable to say what he 



wanted. 

Miss Walker looked at him for a moment 
without speaking. 

" Are you quite well ? '' she asked at last. 

" Of course I am ! " he answered. " I am 

quite all right. Only I can't remember the 

the what I want to say." 

The governess made no remark while she 
finished brushing his hair, and then John went 
and looked out of the window, while she busied 
herself about the room. Altogether he felt very 
strange and bewildered. 

" Have you said your prayers ? " she asked 
presently, 

" No," said John. 

" Then do so now, and then come down to 
breakfast," and, so saying, she left the room. 

John could not understand it at all. Why 
did he keep on forgetting the words he wanted 
to use ? It made him look such a fool, too. 
He could use the words quite well now, when 
he only thought of them, for he could think of 



THE FIRST LESSON 13 

the name of everything in the room and repeat 
it to himself. To make quite sure, he put out 
his hand and touched the window. 

" G-L-A-S-S;* he said to himself. " Glass. 
That's all right. W-O-O-D— wood. I can 
say that, too. And yet I could not say stock- 
ings, mother, present, birthday, or anything 
just now." 

At that very moment he heard ^ squeak some- 
where in the room, as though a pencil were 
being scratched over the surface of a slate. He 
looked round quickly, but nothing could be seen ; 
and, half thinking that he had imagined the noise, 
he repeated all the words to himself once more. 
But he had hardly come to the last one when he 
heard the squeaky noise again, this time quite 
plainly ; and, no sooner did he hear it, than he 
suddenly remembered his dream. And once more 
the squeaky little voice seemed to be singing in 
his ear : 

" No one values what he has, 

Whf he has a lot ; 
Everybody wants to get 

What he hasn't got. 
Things which you make use of most 

Are the Parts of Speech ; 
, And you'll value them much more 

When they're out of reach." 



14 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" Oh, dear ! " he cried in dismay. " I suppose 
that is what it meant when it said that it would 
make me learn what a noun is ! " 

It was certainly very awkward. John knew 
quite well by now what a noun was, and, if he 
was doomed to pass the whole day without being 
able to call things by their names, how would he 
be able to make people understand him ? If he 
wanted anything, he would not be able to ask 
for it ; if he wanted people, he would not be able 
to call them. It was certainly very awkward. 
And who could it be who spoke to him in that 
squeaky voice ? It must be some fairy who had 
a terrible power ; and he began to wish that he 
had tried a little harder to learn his grammar. 
But that would not help him out of his present 
trouble. All such wishes were far too late. 
They would not give him back his lost power of 
calling things by their names ; and he might wish, 
and wish, and wish, but it would not save him 
from looking a fool when Harry Watson and 
Leslie Lomas came to tea that afternoon. Just 
fancy, showing them all his presents and not being 
able to name them ! Why, no one would know 
whether he wanted cake, or jam, or bread and 
butter, or sugar, or anything at tea, and — how 
they would laugh at him ! 



THE FIRST LESSON 15 

At the thought of the terrible time awaiting 
him, poor John felt very miserable ; and when 
Miss Walker called to him to come down to 
breakfast, he was very nearly in tears. 

" O, Mr. Fairy, or whatever you are ! " he 
said aloud. " Please let me off this time. I 
know what a noun is now, really I do. And I 
shall never forget again, really I won't. Nouns 
are names of things, and I can't get on without 
them. Please do not punish me any more ! " 

He listened for a reply, but none came, not 
even a squeak to show that he had been heard. 
And so, full of dread, he made his way downstairs 
to the school-room, where his breakfast was wait- 
ing for him. 

" What have you been doing all this while } " 
asked Miss Walker as he entered. 

John made no reply, for fear of having to use a 
noun, but looked at the pile of brown-paper parcels 
at the end of the table. These were his presents, 
which he very much wanted to open ; but they 
had to remain where they were until breakfast 
was over, and his mother had come to the school- 
room to see him open them. 

" Hurry up ! " said Miss Walker. " Your 
porridge is all cold." 



16 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

John ate his breakfast in silence, not daring to 
say anything without thinking a great deal first 
how to avoid using nouns. When he wa;ited 
bread and butter, he took it without asking ; and 
twice he was told by Miss Walker not to grab, 
as it was very rude. The third time he did it, 
she made him go without jam as a punishment. 
When he wanted another cup of tea, he pushed 
his cup towards the governess, and, after a great 
deal of thinking he managed to say : " Will you 
give me some more, please ? '' 

His silence during the meal surprised Miss 
Walker, who began to think he must be ill in 
spite of the amount of breakfast which he took ; 
for it was very strange for him to be quiet, and 
quite unusual. But if you try to talk without 
using any nouns, you will realise how very diffi- 
cult it was for John to say anything, and you will 
then understand why it was he had to be so quiet. 

And all the while the moment he was dread- 
ing came nearer and nearer ; and the nearer it 
came, the more John thought. But he could not 
go on eating much longer, and the moment he 
stopped eating he would have to say grace. And 
how could he hope to say grace without using a 
noun .? If he said it wrong. Miss Walker would 



THE FIRST LESSON 17 

think that he did it on purpose ; for, although 
grace was never said before breakfast, she was 
always very strict about it after breakfast, and 
would never allow him to slur ^ it or repeat it 
wrongly. He made his last piece of bread and 
butter last as long as possible, while he counted 
up the number of nouns in that grace, to find to 
his relief that there was only one. But still, how 
could he possibly say it without repeating that 
noun ? He sat back in his chair and thought 
hard, munching at his last mouthful. 

" If you have finished, you had better say your 
grace," said Miss Walker presently. 

John took a deep breath, clasped his hands, and 
shut his eyes tightly. 

" For what we are going to receive " 

" For what we have received," corrected Miss 
Walker. 

"For what we have received," he went on 
quickly, " may we be truly thankful, amen ". 

" That is wrong," said Miss Walker. " Say 
it again." 

"For-what-we-have-received-may-we-be-truly- 
thankful-amen," said John again, all in one breath. 

^ To slur : to speak indistinctly ; not to speak words clearly. 
2 



18 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 



" Say your grace properly this instant/* com- 
manded Miss Walker sternly. 

" I can't," cried John, almost in tears. 

" Nonsense ! Say it at once ! " 

" For what we have received may the Lord 
make us truly thankful, amen," said John. 

Then he gasped, and stared at Miss Walker 
with open mouth. 




)«/*v-'5-«->r.<'5<^^'^^''^x>^^^^. 



" Now you may go," she said. 

But John did not move. He had been able to 
use a noun, when all the while he had thought 
that he could not ! 

"The Lord make us truly thankful," he said 
again, to make quite sure it was true. "The Lord 
— Lord — sugar, tea, table, room, breakfast, birth- 
day ! " 

" Bless the boy ! " cried Miss Walker in some 
alarm. 



THE FIRST LESSON 19 

"John, mother, marmalade, cake, fairy, sleep, 
dream ! '" continued John. " It was all a dream ! 
Fve been dreaming, and it was not true after all ! 
Time ! Dream ! It was a dream ! "' 

" Bless the boy ! '' said Miss Walker again. 

" Hurrah ! '' cried John. 

The day passed as all birthdays do. The 
presents were opened, admired, played with, and 
two were soon broken. His mother kissed him 
more than usual, and said that he reminded her 
more and more of his dear father, who was away 
in America on business ; and his two great 
friends came to tea and broke another of the 
presents between them ; there were glorious 
games in the schoolroom, and a still more glorious 
tea afterwards ; until John had forgotten every- 
thing that had happened that morning, or, if he 
did remember it, he thought that it was a dream, 
and had not really happened after all. 

And when he went to bed an hour later than 
usual, because his birthday only came once a 
year, he gave no thought to anything save what 
he was going to do on the morrow. These 
thoughts were, of course, all very pleasant, and, 
for some time after Miss Walker had put out 
the light, John lay thinking them all over in the 



20 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

dark. Then he snuggled down among the bed- 
clothes and prepared to go to sleep. 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks," said 
a squeaky voice at the foot of his bed. 

John heard it, but pretended that he did not. 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks/' said 
the voice again. 

" Go away ! '* said John. " You are only a 
dream." 

" He-he ! " laughed the squeak. " How 
did you like it ? " 

John made no answer, but tried to get to 
sleep. But the more he tried, the wider awake 
he became. 

" What is a noun ? " asked the voice, after it 
had called him by name several times. 

" Shut up ! " said John. " Let me go to 
sleep." 

" What is a noun ? " asked the voice. 

" The name of something," answered John 
crossly. " Now let me go to sleep." 

" Presently," said the squeak. " I am going 
to teach you something else to-morrow." 

" What .? " 

" Pronouns." 

" How .? " 



THE FIRST LESSON 21 

" Same way." 

"But I know them," pleaded John, who 
began to think that he was not dreaming after 
all. 

" Oh no, you don't ! " said the voice. " But 
you will after to-morrow," 

*' I don't believe you," said John boldly. 
'' You are only a dream, and nothing happened 
at all. I only imagined it did." 

" Very w^ell," said the squeak. " Good- 
night ! " 

John did not answer, but pretended to be 
asleep ; and he pretended so well, that before 
very long he was asleep in good earnest. 



CHAPTER III 

THE SECOND LESSON 

JOHN LEARNS OF SOMETHING WHICH STANDS IN 
PLACE OF SOMETHING ELSE 

JOHN woke up quite early the next morn- 
ing, ftnd the first thing he remembered 
was the queer dream he had had just before 
falling asleep. But was it a dream ? Or had 
it really all happened ? 

" I wonder what pronouns are ? " he said to 
himself. Then he thought very hard of all 
that Miss Walker had tried to teach him about 
pronouns ; so evidently he was not quite sure that 
it was a dream. At any rate, he must have 
thought it better to be on the safe side, otherwise 
he would never have taken so much trouble as to 
think about dry old things like pronouns. 

But what were pronouns ? Evidently some- 
thing to do with nouns. But what ? He 
thought and thought for quite a long time, and 



THE SECOND LESSON 23 

he was just on the point of giving it up, when 
Miss Walker entered the room to call him ; and 
that shows he must have been thinking about 
pronouns for a long while. 

" Miss Walker," he said a little shyly, hardly 
daring to speak in case he had not been dream- 
ing and it was all quite true. " What are pro- 
nouns ? " 

Miss Walker stared at him, as well she might. 
Never before had he asked a question about his 
lessons. And so early in the morning, too ! 

"Pronouns stand in place of nouns," she 
answered. 

Of course they did ! Why had he not re- 
membered that before ? 

" Tell me some," he asked. 

" I, thou, he, she, it, we, you, they," began 
Miss Walker. " Me, thee, him, her, us, you, 
them." 

" Me ! " exclaimed John. " Why, IVe just 
said one ! 'Tell ME some'. Is 'me' a pro- 
noun ? " 

Miss Walker turned to look at him, the water- 
jug still in her hand, she was so surprised. In 
fact, she was so surprised that she could not speak, 
and quite forgot to pour out the water. 



24 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" I, thou, he, she, it," repeated John triumph- 
antly. 

It was a dream after all ! He had never 
heard a voice telling him that he would not be 
able to use pronouns so that he might learn what 
they were. He had dreamt it all ! 

He was so overjoyed at his discovery, that he 
had jumped out of bed and had begun to dress 
himself before Miss Walker had recovered from 
her surprise. tm 

Ah, my dear John Henry Arthur Percival 
Sparks, you have yet to learn how deep is the 
cunning of that mysterious little goblin, which so 
far you have only heard and not seen. You will 
not escape him by thinking he is only a dream. 
Others have thought that, but all have found out, 
generally when it has been too late, that he is no 
dream, but a terrible reality.^ 

John, however, did not discover this for a long 
time ; for the morning passed quite comfortably, 
without anything strange occurring, until he had 
forgotten all about the squeaky little voice and 
the warning it had uttered. 

But that afternoon, just as Mrs. Sparks had 

^ A terrible re-al-i-ty : something which is very real and not at 
all nice. 



THE SECOND LESSON 25 

returned in the motor from paying a visit, Miss 
Walker came to her in a state of great alarm, as 
Mrs. Sparks was about to enter her bedroom to 
take off her hat and cloak. 

" I am afraid there is something the matter 
with John, Mrs. Sparks," said the governess. 

"Has he hurt himself?" asked Mrs. Sparks 
quickly. 

"No. But there is something funny about 
him," answered Miss Walker. " He is like a 
baby who is just beginning to talk. I am afraid 
there must be something wrong with his brain." 

" Goodness gracious ! " cried Mrs. Sparks, her 
face turning a little white. " Come in and tell 
me what you mean." 

She led the way into her beautiful bedroom, 
and Miss Walker followed her. 

" Now," she said, " tell me exactly what 
has happened." 

" This afternoon I made him write a letter to 
his uncle and aunt to thank them for their beauti- 
ful presents," explained Miss Walker. " He can 
write quite well when he likes ; and, when I saw 
what he had written, I thought that he had 
simply been naughty and made him write the 
letter again. But the second letter was just the 



26 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

same as the first ; and what alarmed me most was 
that, when he talked, he used the same baby 
language. It quite frightened me. Here is his 
letter." 

Mrs. Sparks took the note-paper covered with 
John's large handwriting ; and certainly it was 
the queerest letter you ever saw. Here it is : 

"John's Dear Uncle Sam, 

"John is so pleased with the lovely engine 
and signals Uncle Sarti and Auntie have sent John. 
The engine and signals are lovely. The engine 
and signals are just the right sort of engine and 
signals John wanted. Harry and Leslie came to 
tea with John yesterday, and Harry, Leslie, and 
John played with the engine and signals Uncle 
Sam gave John, and Harry, Leslie and John will 
play with Uncle Sam's engine and signals a lot 
another day. Thank Uncle Sam so much. 
" From Uncle Sam's loving nephew, 

"John." 

"And that is the way he talks," said Miss 
Walker. 

" Goodness gracious ! " exclaimed Mrs. Sparks 
again. " Where is he ? " 

" He is in the schoolroom." 



THE SECOND LESSON 27 

Without waiting to take off her motor-coat, 
Mrs. Sparks went straight to the schoolroom, 
followed by Miss Walker. There was John, 
sitting on the floor surrounded by his toys and 
playing with his engine. 

"John, dear," said his mother, sitting down in 
a chair. " Come here a minute." 

"John must put the signals up first," said the 
boy. " Then John will come." 

He put the signals at danger, and then, rising, 
went to his mother. 

" Here John am," he said. 

Mrs. Sparks put her arm round him. " Are 
you quite well, dear ? " she asked. 

" Of course John am," he answered. 

" How does your head feel ? " 

"John's head is all right. Why does mother 
ask how John's head feels ? " 

" Are you quite sure ? " asked Mrs. Sparks, 
still more anxiously. 

" Yes, John am." 

"You i.mst not say, 'John am,' but *I 
am\" 

"John am," said John. 

"No, dear. 'lam.*" 

"John am," said the boy again. 



28 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" Now listen to me, John,'' said Mrs. Sparks, 
speaking very slowly. Say ' I am T 

"John am/' 

" No, dear. ' I am/ '' 

By this time John began to realise that some- 
thing was wrong. He could hear what his 
mother said quite well, but, although he tried to 
repeat the words after her, he could only say, 
"John am ". Then he suddenly remembered the 
squeaky little voice of that awful fairy, or goblin, 
or whatever it was, and stared at his mother in 
dismay. 

"John can't say 'John am,'" he said, turning 
very red in the face. 

" But why not, dear 1 " asked his mother, who 
was now very anxious indeed about him. 

" Don't know," said John, hanging his head. 

He did, really. But how on earth could he 
tell her } How could he expect her to under- 
stand, or even believe him ? Oh ! those pronouns ! 
Those awful pronouns ! At that moment he 
would have given all the toys on the floor in 
exchange for words to use in the place of the 
names which he had to repeat time after time ; 
in fact, whenever he wanted to speak. And 
there was his mother, looking at him with a 



THE SECOND LESSON 29 

frightened face as though something dreadful had 
happened to him, as, indeed, it had. It could not 
be worse. 

"John, dear,'' she said at last, in coaxing tones, 
" you must be a good boy and let Miss Walker 
put you to bed." 

John started away from her as though he had 
been stung. What ! Go to bed, when he was 
feeling quite well ! Go to bed, when he had 
not yet had his tea ! This was adding insult to 
injury. 

" Mother shan't put John to bed ! " he answered 
angrily. "John is quite well ! John doesn't 
want to go to bed ! '' 

" But you must, dear," said his mother, " You 
must try to get to sleep. Your brain is very 
tired, dear, and it must have some rest. I will 
ask Dr. Lomas to come and see you and make 
you quite well. Come, dear ; there's a good 
boy." 

But this was more than John could stand. 
Tears sprang to his eyes, and he clenched his 
fists very hard. 

" Come, dear," said his mother again. 

Then John became very angry indeed. 

" It's the fault of that beastly thing last night ! " 



30 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

he shouted, the tears streaming down his cheeks. 
" It's not fair ! I know what pronouns are quite 
well, and I won't go to bed ! It's not fair ! " 

He was so angry that he did not notice that he 
had used pronouns when he was speaking ; and 
it was not until after a great deal of coaxing, 
struggling, and — what was far worse — a great 
deal of bribery,^ that John at last found himself 
safely tucked up in bed, and remembered that he 
had been using pronouns after all. He was alone 
when he made the discovery, which gave him 
such a shock, that it took him quite ten minutes 
to think it all over. 

" I have been dreaming again," he said to him- 
self presently. " I have been dreaming again, and 
it never happened after all ! " 

Then how was it he came to be in bed ? Why 
had his mother been so anxious for him to go to 
bed that she had promised him another new 
engine if only he would do what he was told ? 
Was it not because he could not speak properly ? 
And had that not been because he could not make 
use of pronouns ? Then it was true ! He had 
not been dreaming ! 

^ Bribery : giving presents to a person for doing something 
which he does not want to do. 



THE SECOND LESSON 31 

" Of course, you haven't ! '' said a squeaky little 
voice at the end of the bed. 

John started, and looked in the direction from 
which the squeak seemed to come. But nothing 
was to be seen, although it was still broad day- 
light, and the sun was shining somewhere behind 
the drawn blinds. 

" Well } How do you like it now .? '' asked 
the squeak. 

" Where are you } " said John. 

'' Here,*' said the squeak. 

" I can't see you ! " said John. 

" Of course you can't, looking all round the 
room for me like that. I can't be everywhere at 
once, can I ? If you look at the end of your bed, 
perhaps you will see me. Only you'll have to 
look very hard. I'm sitting on the bed-rail." 

John looked as he had been directed. At first 
he could not see anything ; but, all at once, he 
thought he saw something sticking up out of the 
brass rail at the foot of his bed. It looked like 
a short piece of stick or pencil ; and, sure enough, 
as he looked, he found that it was, only the 
queerest little piece of pencil you ever saw in your 
life. For it had two little legs and two little 
arms, so thin that they seemed to be nothing, 



32 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 




•• It was grinning at John with its funny Httle face." 



THE SECOND LESSON 33 

more than the strokes of a pencil on a piece of 
paper or slate ; while the body and head were all 
of one piece, formed by the pencil itself And 
there it was, perched on the rail at the end of his 
bed, with its thin little hands in the place where 
its hips should have been, its thin little legs, 
ending in a pair of boots much too big for its 
feet, dangling down below the rail ; and it was 
grinning at John with its funny little face, which 
was of the same width as its body, and just below 
the point of the pencil, which was the top of its 
head. 

" Well ? ^' said this funny little animated ^ piece 
of pencil, wagging a pointed beard and swaying 
from side to side. " What are pronouns ? '' 

" Have I got to learn any more things ? '' 
asked John. 

" Yes,'^ said the little mannikin. " To-morrow 
you must learn what adjectives are/* 

" But I don't want to,'* said John. 

" I don't suppose you do,'' replied the visitor. 
"But you will, for all that." 

" Can't I learn them some other way ? " pleaded 
John. 

1 Animated : living. 



34 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" Oh ! " squeaked the pencil. " So I am not a 
dream after all, eh ? '' 

" I don't think you can be/' answered John. 

" And you know what a noun is ? Well, 
what is it ? " 

John thought it best to humour this strange 
being, so he answered very humbly, " All the ^^i 
names of things are nouns ". fl| 

" Quite right," squeaked the pencil. " What ^ 
are pronouns ? " 

" Words you use instead of nouns," answered 
John. 

" Quite right," squeaked the little fellow on 
the bed-rail again. " We are getting on." 

" How am I to learn what adjectives are ? " 
asked John, a little anxiously. 

" You'll find that out soon enough. Wait till 
to-morrow." 

"But I don't like the way you teach me," 
said John. " It gets me into trouble. It's all 
through you that I am in bed now." 

" The proper place for you," said the little 
mannikin, jumping up on his feet. Then he began 
to sing in a funny little squeak, just as though 
he was writing noisily on a slate : 



THE SECOND LESSON 35 

"No one values what he has, 

When he has a lot ; 
Everybody wants to get 

What he hasn't got." 

And, all the time he was singing, he danced to 
the tune, cocking his thin little legs into the air, 
and making his big boots clatter on the bed-rail. 
At last he stopped, quite out of breath, and sat 
down suddenly. 

" Do you understand what that means now ? " 
he asked. 

" Yes,'' answered John meekly. " I think 
I do." 

" Think ! '' shouted the little man. " You 
ought to know it by this time ! '' 

" I do," said John hurriedly. 

" Do you know who I am ? " 

" No," said John. 

" What ! " squeaked the other, *^ when I have 
already told you my name ! " 

" I remember now," said John. " You are 
called Ram-marg." 

" Yes, and don't you forget it ! " cried the little 
man in threatening tones. 

"And will you please let me off any more 
lessons ^ " began John. 



36 



FAIKY GRAMMAR 



At his request Ram-marg almost fell off his 
seat with shock. 

" What ! " he squeaked. " Let you off ! 
Whatever next ! '' 

" Please ! " urged John. " I promise you I 
will learn the other parts of speech." 

" Rubbish ! " said Ram-marg, " Stuff and 
nonsense ! I don't believe you ! I tell you, I 
don't believe you ! " 

He jumped up on to the bed-rail once more, 
dancing with excitement ; and the more excited 
he grew, the squeakier became his voice. At 
last he was dancing so quickly that John could 
only see a faint blur on the brass rail, and all the 
while he was squeaking out this curious song, 
tapping the time with his funny big boots. And 
if you repeat it too, beating out the time on the 
table or desk with your fore-finger, you will 
understand what a curious noise he must have 
made. 

** I, thou, he, she, it, 

We, you, they; 
Me, thee, him or her, 

Us, you, them." 

He had just reached the last word of the song, 
which he uttered with a piercing squeak, when 



THE SECOND LESSON 37 

John heard a sharp snap as though a slate pencil 
had suddenly broken in two, and the little man 
disappeared altogether. 

"Thank goodness !" said John, who recog- 
nised the sound. " I do hope he has broken 
himself. Then he won't trouble me any more." 



CHAPTER IV 

THE THIRD LESSON 

SIR ARTHUR JAMES DESCRIBES SOMETHING, BUT 
HE DOES NOT USE AN ADJECTIVE 

THAT same evening Dr. Lomas called in 
response to an urgent message sent by 
Mrs. Sparks ; and, after a long talk with her and 
Miss Walker, he came to the room where John 
was safely tucked up in bed. 

" Well, young man ? '' he said, sitting on the 
side of the bed, and putting an eyeglass into his 
eye. " What is the matter with you ? '' 

"That's what I want to know,'^ said John, 
looking at the eyeglass and wondering what use 
it could be. He rather liked Dr. Lomas, with 
his round waistcoat and his bald head, with its 
single brown curl over his gleaming white fore- 
head, which seemed to have no end until it got 
to the fringe of hair at the back. Although he 
was a doctor, John was not in the least bit afraid 

38 



THE THIRD LESSON 39 

of him, as some boys were ; and, when he saw 
him enter the room, he began to wonder whether 
he should not tell Dr. Lomas all about his curious 
adventure. As he was a doctor, he might under- 
stand. 

" Ah well,'' said the doctor, taking his wrist 
and feeling his pulse. "We'll soon find out. 
Let me look at your tongue." 

He always said that, and John's tongue was out 
of his mouth before he had finished the sentence. 
And a very long tongue it was, too. He looked 
sideways at his mother, who stood at the end of 
the bed, and wished she would go away. Then 
he might tell the doctor all about it. 

"Any headache .? " asked Dr. Lomas, pressing 
back John's eye-lids and looking closely at his eyes. 

" No, thank you," answered John politely. 

" Ever see things ? " asked the doctor. 

John stared at him, wondering what he meant. 
Was it possible that he understood ^ 

" I mean funny lights, and stars, and coloured 
spots all over the place," said the doctor. 

Yes," answered John promptly, " when I 
bump my nose." 

"Ha! ha!" laughed Dr. Lomas. "Only 
then?" 



40 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

John was silent for a moment. " I have seen 
something else," he said presently. " And, if 
mother will go away, I will tell you all about it 

"But won't you tell me, too ? " asked Mrs. 
Sparks. 

"No," said John. "You will only laugh." 

" I won't. I promise you." 

But John refused to say anything in front of 
his mother, which must have hurt her a great 
deal. But, then, she had probably laughed at 
John once before, and he had not forgotten it. 

After his mother had left the room, John 
looked very hard at Dr. Lomas for a moment or 
two without speaking. 

" It's a spell," he said at last, very gravely. 

" You don't say so ! " said the doctor, trying not 
to show his surprise. 

" It is," said John. " I am bewitched." 

"Dear me ! " said the doctor. "Tell me all 
about it." 

" It's a fairy," * continued John. " It has a 
squeaky voice, and sits on the end of my bed 
every evening, and says it will get me into trouble 
every day until I have learnt my parts of speech." 

" Dear me ! " said the doctor again. " What 
is it like .? " 



d 



THE THIRD LESSON 41 

" A slate pencil. And it squeaks like one, 
too." 

" Bless my soul ! " said Dr. Lomas. " What 
a wicked fairy it must be ! We shall have to 
get rid of her." 

" It isn't a her ; it's a him," said John. 

" Well, well ; we shall have to get rid of him." 

'" I wish you would," said John. 

" Of course we shall," answered the doctor. 
"How often have you seen her — him, I mean.?^" 

" Once," answered John. "Just before you 
came in. But I have heard him squeaking 
several times. Do you think you can make him 
go away .? " 

" Tm quite sure we can," said the doctor. " I 
know a gentleman who spends all his life catching 
fairies ; and I shall bring him to see you to-morrow, 
and make him catch this one." 

" What does he do with them ? " asked John. 

" Do with them .? Why, he puts them in 
glass bottles and pickles them in spirits of wine. 
That's the best thing to do with wicked fairies 
who trouble little boys." 

" And will he pickle this one ? " 

" Rather ! " said the doctor. " At any rate, 
he'll try." 



42 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" I hope he will/' said John very earnestly. 

" ril tell you what I will do," said the doctor. 
" ril give you some stuff to drink. It's a spell, 
and it will drive this fairy away so that he can't 
bewitch you any more to-night. Then I will 
bring the gentleman along to-morrow and see if 
we can't catch the little beggar." 

'^ Thank you very much," said John gratefully. 

Dr. Lomas rose from the bed. " Good-night, 
young man," he said. " Don't you worry any 
more about that fairy. He won't trouble you 
again." 

" And you will pickle him, won't you ? " 
said John, 

" Rather ! " replied the doctor. 

A few minutes later. Dr. Lomas was talking 
to John's mother in the drawing-room. 

" It is over-work," he said. " The boy's brain 
is too active. He must have proper rest and not 
do any more lessons for a week or two. I'll 
telephone to Sir Arthur James for a consultation ^ 
to-morrow." 

And everybody was satisfied with the treatment 
which Dr. Lomas ordered except Miss Walker, 

1 A consult-a-tion : a talking together. The two doctors were 
to talk together about John. 



THE THIRD LESSON 43 

who was not at all sure that John had been doing 
too much work. That was a thing he never 
did. 

Much against his will, John had to stay in bed 
all the next day. But he trusted Dr. Lomas, 
who had told him that it was a trap for catching 
the fairy, and he submitted^ to the treatment, 
hopefully waiting for the arrival of the gentleman 
who knew how to catch such evil little people. 
So far the doctor's spell had worked beautifully, 
for John had neither seen nor heard anything of 
the talking pencil. But perhaps he had broken 
himself yesterday, and would not trouble him 
again. 

That afternoon a tall gentleman, with a grey 
beard and very bright blue eyes, entered the 
room with Dr. Lomas. 

" Well, young man,'' said the doctor. " Here 
is the gentleman I promised to bring to see you/' 

John looked at the tall gentleman and did not 
like him at all. There was something about 
those bright blue eyes that made shivers go all 
up and down his spine. 

" Has he come to catch the fairy ? " he asked. 

^ Sub-mit-ted : he gave in. 



44 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 




A tall gentleman entered the room with Dr. Lomas. 



THE THIRD LESSON 45 

" That's it,'' said Dr. Lomas, placing a chair 
by the bedside for Sir Arthur James. 

" So you have been seeing fairies, young sir, 
eh ? " said the gentleman with the bright blue 
eyes, which seemed to be piercing Master Joljn 
through and through. 

"Yes," said John shyly. 

'* And what is he like, this fairy ? " 

"Pencil," said John, "with legs and arms and 
eyes and nose and mouth, and he dances about 
over there. He says that I am boy, and that he 
is going to make me boy, and that he will punish 
me until I am boy." 

Dr. Lomas and Sir Arthur James looked at each 
other. 

" Yes," said Sir Arthur. " And what else does 
he say or do .? " 

" He comes evening," continued John, quite 
unaware that the fairy's spell had begun to work 
again, and that to the two doctors he seemed to be 
talking nonsense. " Time I could not see him. 
I could only hear squeak. Time I could not see 
him either. I could only hear squeak. But time I 
did see him, and he was pencil." 

" And what does he want ? " asked Sir Arthur, 

" To make me boy," said John, 



46 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" But you are a boy." 

" No ! No ! To make me boy and learn 
lessons," explained John. 

*' Ah, to make you learn your lessons," said the 
doctor. 

" Yes," said John, who did not want to talk at 
all to the man with the bright blue eyes. But 
somehow he had to answer all the questions put to 
him, whether he liked it or not. 

" And does he mak^ you learn your lessons i " 
asked Sir Arthur. 

"Yes." 

" And what has he made you learn ? " 

"Nouns and pronouns. And next he will 
make me learn adjectives." 

" Dear me ! " said Sir Arthur. " Now, tell me 
exactly what this fairy is like." 

John thought for a moment before replying. 

" He is quite ." Then he paused, and a 

puzzled look came into his face. 

" Yes ? " said the doctor. 

" He is quite ." 

Again John had to pause. He knew quite 
well what he wanted to say, but somehow the 
laght word would not come. 

" Little .? " suggested the doctor. " Is that the 
word } Anything else i " 



THE THIRD LESSON 47 

" Yes," said John. " He has arms and legs ." 

" How many ? " asked Sir Arthur. 

John tried to say the number of arms and legs 
the thing had, and at last he held up two fingers. 

" Two arms and two legs ? " 

" Yes," said John. 

" And what does he look like ? " 

"Pencil." 

"What sort of pencil?" 

The boy tried to tell him, but he could not ; 
and the more the doctor asked him to describe 
that awful fairy, the more hopeless it became. 
He simply could not tell him what the little imp 
was like. 

" Is he pretty or ugly ? " asked Sir Arthur. 

" Yes," said John. 

" Which do you mean ? " 

" I don t know," answered John helplessly. 

" But you must know whether he is pretty or 
ugly, if you have seen him." 

" I do know," answered John, now on the 
point of crying. " But I cannot say." 

"Why not?" 

" I don't know." 

Suddenly John sat up in bed, "Is word 
adjective ? " he asked. 



48 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

'' No," said Sir Arthur. " Word is a noun." 

''No! No!" exclaimed John. "Word you 
said when you asked if he was — if he was — you 
know." 

*' Pretty P " suggested Dr. Lomas. 

" Yes ! " said John eagerly. " Is it adjective ? " 

" Yes. Pretty is an adjective. All words that 
describe things are adjectives." 

" Oh ! " cried John, falling back on the pillow, 
as he suddenly realised what had been occurring. 
''Then it's fairy again 1 He said something would 
happen until I had learnt what adjectives are." 
And then he began to cry. 

Sir. Arthur James took his hand. '' Look here, 
little man," he said kindly, looking at him with 
his keen blue eyes. " You must not worry any 
more about that fairy. There are no such things 
as fairies. Do you understand ? " 

The blue eyes glittered so brightly, that John 
simply had to leave off crying. 

*' Do you understand ? " said Sir Arthur again. 
" There are no such things as fairies, and you have 
never seen one." 

" Yes," said John obediently. But, even as he 
said it, he distinctly heard an angry little squeak 
somewhere in the room. 



THE THIRD LESSON 49 

*^So you must not think about them any 
more," continued Sir Arthur. '' Will you pro- 
mise ? " 

" Yes/' said John, simply because he could not 
say anything else while those blue eyes were 
looking at him. 

^' Now you must go to sleep/' went on Sir 
Arthur. " And, while you are asleep, you will 
forget all about fairies, so that you will not even 
remember them when you wake up. Now ; go 
to sleep.'' 

So John closed his eyes because there was 
nothing else to do except obey ; and soon he was 
alone in the room, listening dreamily to the foot- 
steps of the two doctors as they went down- 
stairs. 

'' Well, Sir Arthur .? What is your opinion ? '' 
asked Dr. Lomas as they entered the drawing- 
room. 

The great specialist — a specialist is a man who 
is considered by some people to have a special 
knowledge of a special thing — the great specialist 
put his hands behind his back, and walked up and 
down the room a few times before speaking, 
looking very profound all the while. Dr. Lomas 



50 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

stood with an air of great respect, waiting for the 
verdict ^ of the great specialist. 

'^ In my opinion/' said Sir Arthur James, as he 
crossed the room for the fourth time, ^*it is a 
case of metagrammapsychosis/' 

That is a long word, and you certainly will not 
be able to pronounce it yourself, so you had better 
get some grown-up to do it for you. And do not 
think that because he or she takes some time to 
pronounce it, he or she does not know how to 
read very well. And be sure you do not ask 
what it means, for no one will be able to tell you. 
If you really want to know the meaning of it, you 
will have to get it from Sir Arthur James. But 
I should advise you to do nothing of the sort ; for, 
if you did ask Sir Arthur what it means, he would 
probably be rather annoyed with you, for it is a 
word that has caused him a great deal of trouble. 

As a matter of fact, when Sir Arthur first pro- 
nounced it, he did not know what it meant him- 
self. Our little friend, John Henry Arthur 
Percival Sparks, had puzzled the great specialist 
a great deal more than he liked to admit ; and the 
great specialist did not know what to make of 

^ Verdict : the opinion or idea which Sir Arthur had about the 
causes of John's strange manner. 



THE THIRD LESSON 51 

him. But he did know that Dr. Lomas would 
expect him to express an opinion ; and, as he 
would receive a cheque for fifteen guineas or 
so for that opinion, he would have to say some- 
thing. So all the way downstairs, and all the 
while he was walking up and down the drawing- 
room, he was thinking out a name to give to the 
strange disease from which poor John was supposed 
to be suffering. And it was not until he had 
crossed the room for the third time that he found 
a sufficiently difficult word to utter. 

" It is a case of metagrammapsychosis," he said. 

" A conclusion at which I myself have arrived," 
said Dr. Lomas. 

Sir Arthur James started. How dare Dr. 
Lomas, who was not a specialist, but only a 
common ^ or garden sort of doctor, have an 
opinion at all? Had 'he not asked for his, the 
great specialist's, opinion ? He had no business 
to come to any other conclusion save that he, 
the great specialist, had made a very learned and 
profound discovery. Dr. Lomas must be taken 
down a peg or two. 

" It is a very rare case," said Sir Arthur, " very 

^ Common or garden sort of doctor : just an ordinary doctor, 
and not a specialist. 



52 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

rare. It is only the second I have had in all my 
experience." 

Dr. Lomas bowed. " I remember your des- 
cription of the first case, which you published," 
he said. " I was so struck with the way in which 
you treated the subject, that I was easily able to 
diagnose ^ the symptoms in this case." 

" Indeed," said Sir Arthur stiffly ; " I do not 
recollect that I ever described my first case." 

" Then my memory is at fault," said Dr. Lomas 
humbly. " May I ask what treatment you pre- 
scribe ? " " 

" Hypnotic suggestion," ^ answered Sir Arthur. 
" I shall treat the boy myself, and shall be obliged 
if you will report his condition to me every day." 

"Certainly. With pleasure," said Dr. Lomas. 

Meanwhile, Master John was snoozing com- 
fortably upstairs. He was in a beautiful dreamy 

^To di-ag-nose the symptoms: to find out the illness a person 
is suffering from through looking at the tongue, feeling the pulse, 
and noticing other signs of Illness. ''The case" means the person 
who is suffering. Here it is John. 

'^Prescribe : a word used by doctors when they order treatment 
in illness. 

^ Hyp-not-ic sug-gestion : the use of a strong will to compel 
another person to obey. Sir Arthur means that he is going to use 
his will on John to make him forget all about fairies. 



THE THIRD LESSON 53 

state, half awake, half asleep ; and it was some 
time before a continual squeaking, scratching, and 
tapping at the end of the bed made him aware that 
he was wanted. But at last he realised that the 
noise was meant to attract his attention, so he 
opened one eye. There, sure enough, he saw, or 
thought he saw, that horrible little live slate pencil 
sitting on the bed-rail. 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks ! " squeaked 
the voice again and again. " Wake up ! I want 
you ! " 

" Oh, bother ! " said John. " Go away, do ! 
The doctor says you aren't anything." 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks ! Wake 
up ! I want you ! " said the squeak. 

" I won't ! " answered John. " Doctor says 
you are not real, and that I am not to notice you 
any more." 

But it was really such an awful lot to say, that 
the saying of it woke John right up ; so that, 
although he wanted to go to sleep, he found 
himself wide awake. And there was that slate 
pencil, grinning away at him from the end of the 
bed. 

" What is an adjective ? " asked Ram-marg. 

"Words that tell you what things are like," 



54 FAIRY GRAMiMAR 

answered John promptly. " Now go away and 
leave me alone/' 

" Oh dear no ! I haven't finished with you 
yet," squeaked the pencil " How do you like 
it, eh ? " 

" I think you are very unkind." 

'' He ! He ! " squeaked Ram-marg. " I am 
much kinder to you than you are to yourself." 

" The doctor says I am not to learn any more 
lessons," said John. " So you will have to leave 
me alone now." 

The little figure on the bed-rail got so excited 
at his words, that he danced up and down in 
anger, moving at such a rate that John could 
scarcely see him. 

" He said that, did he ? " he screamed. " He 
said that, did he ? He said there were no 
fairies ! I heard him ! He said there were no 
fairies ! " 

His voice rose to a piercing squeak that ended 
with a sudden sharp snap, as though the pencil 
had broken in two, and at the same time the little 
fellow completely disappeared. 

" There ! Now he has gone and broken him- 
self again ! " said John. 

"No, I haven't," said the squeaky" voice 



THE THIRD LESSON 55 

presently ; and, on looking again, John found him 
still seated on the bed-rail. " But you should not 
make me so excited. It is bad for my nerves, you 
know. I always end in snapping in two when I 
get excited, and then I have all the trouble of 
joining together again." 

" What ! Like the worms ? " asked John. 

" Worms ! " squeaked the little man. 

" Well, they join together again when they are 
cut in half" 

" Worms ! " shouted Ram-marg. " I never 
heard of such a thing ! Don't insult me ! " 

" I'm sorry," said John. 

"I should hope you are," said Ram-marg. 
" You have no idea what a lot of trouble I am 
taking over you." 

" It's awfully good of you," said John. " But 
I wish you wouldn't." 

" Look out !" suddenly shouted the little fellow. 
« Fm going ! " 

Even as he spoke the words, he began to fade 
away from sight, much to John's astonishment. 
But, although John could no longer see him, he 
rould still hear his squeaky voice coming from 
the place where he had been. 

" Back in a minute," it said. 



56 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 



John waited, wondering ; and, presently, there 
was the little fellow again, grinning at him from 
the brass rail. 

" Sorry," he said. " It is that confounded 
doctor. He ought not to be allowed to come 
here. It makes it most difficult for me to talk to 
you properly." 

"Why ? " asked John in surprise. 

"Because he is trying to put a speU on you," 
said Ram-marg. "He is trying to make you 
believe that there are no such things as fairies. 
Look out ! Fm going again ! " and he dis- 
appeared once more. 

But in less than a minute he was back again. 

" He is trying to make out that I am not I," 
he continued. " He is pretending there are no 
fairies. The impudence ! The wickedness ! He 
wants to stop my work! He wants to put a 
spell on you, so that you will not see or hear me 
any more." 

" He's only pretending," said John. " But FU 
tell you what he does want. He wants to catch 
you ; and, if you don't mind, he will one day. And 
then he'll put you iii a glass jar and pickle you." 

" What ! " shouted the little man, beginning to 
dance once more with anger. " Catch me ! Fd 



THE THIRD LESSON 



57 



like to see him do it ! Pickle me ! Fd like to 
see him do it ! Let him beware ! How dare he 
insult me so ! Let him look out ! I can play at 
pickles as well as he. The wickedness ! The 
impudence ! How dare he ! Fibs ! Fibs ! 
All fibs ! Don't you believe him ! Let him 
wait ! ril soon pickle him ! " 

His voice rose to a piercing shriek, and once 
more there sounded the snap of a broken pencil, 
just as the little man melted clean away into 
nothingness. John waited for him to come back, 
but he waited in vain. Then he began to feel 
sleepy, and lay back on his pillow. But suddenly 
he became wide awake. 

" Oh ! " he thought. " And he never told me 
what was to happen to-morrow ! " 




CHAPTER V 

THE FOURTH LESSON 

JOHN LEARNS THAT HE CAN HAVE TOO MUCH 
OF A GOOD THING 

JOHN did not mind having no lessons to do, 
but he did object to staying in bed instead 
of being up and playing with his toys. But stay 
in bed he had to ; until he became so fidgety and 
cross that, after Mrs. Sparks had spoken to Dr. 
Lomas over the telephone, he was allowed to get 
up soon after dinner. It was no good making the 
boy's brain too excited by refusing to let him do 
what he liked, said the doctor ; an opinion which 
Mrs. Sparks was very relieved to hear, as John 
was certainly rather a tiresome person to look after 
while he was in bed. 

So John got his own way at last by being 
wilful and cross, as many another little boy or 
girl has done before, and probably will continue 
to do as long as there are boys and girls, and 

58 



THE FOURTH LESSON 59 

mothers and people to give in to them. Only you 
must remember that John was supposed to be very 
ill, and everyone believed that it v^as very bad for 
him to get excited. To resist his wishes too 
much might bring on a fit or something horrible ; 
so what was his poor mother to do ? How was 
she to know that really John was perfectly well, 
and that it was very bad for him to have his own 
way ? Of course, she was to blame to some 
extent, because she had been told quite plainly 
that John's funny way of talking was all due to the 
spell of a fairy ; but, as she did not believe in 
fairies and did believe in Dr. Lomas and Sir 
Arthur James, she naturally thought that John's 
strange story about a fairy was due to something 
being wrong with his brain. So she was dread- 
fully anxious about him, as she feared that he 
might go quite mad. 

However, John was very far from mad ; he was 
only being taught a very sharp lesson which he 
did not want to learn. And many other people 
are thought mad for the very same reason : they 
are learning lessons which those who think them 
mad do not understand. 

The first thing John thought that morning as 
soon as he woke was : " I wonder what will 



60 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 



happen to-day ? " He was getting accustomed 
to all the funny things which were occurring. 
People were ever so much kinder and nicer to 
him than they had been. They all seemed so 
sorry for him ; and as he had no lessons, and at 
last was allowed to do just what he liked, he 
began to feel that he would not mind what tricks 
the fairy played upon him in the future. 

All that morning nothing happened ; and, 
by the time he was up and dressed, he had 
forgotten all about the fairy, and did not re- 
member him again until Dr. Lomas called to 
see him. 

"Well, young man !" said the doctor, as he 
entered the nursery with Mrs. Sparks. " Have 
you seen any more fairies ? " 

John looked up at him from within a circle of 
railway lines, round which an engine was racing 
at a dangerous speed. 

" Yes," he said. " He came came came soon 
after you went went went." 

" Ah," replied the doctor. " And what did he 
say r 

" He said said said that you had had had better 
look look look out, and that if you tried tried tried 
to pickle to pickle to pickle him, he would would 



THE FOURTH LESSON 61 

would pickle pickle pickle you if you were were 
were not careful." 

The doctor looked surprised, as well he might. 

"John, dear," said his mother, "you must not 
be so rude to Dr. Lomas." 

" Well," answered John, " he asked asked asked 
me, so I told told told him." 

" Ah ! So he said he would pickle me, did 
he ? " asked the doctor. 

" Yes," answered John. " And he said said said 
a lot of other things, too. He told told told 
me that you are are are trying trying trying to 
put to put to put a spell on me to stop to stop 
to stop his work ; and he was was was very 
angry." 

" Dear me ! " said Dr. Lomas, putting his eye- 
glass into his eye for the sixth time. " Dear me ! 
And what is that you are playing with ? " 

" An engine." 

" Does it go ? " 

" Of course it does does does ! " said Jack scorn- 
fully, as he sent the engine racing round the track 
to show its speed. 

" Where did you get it ? " asked the doctor. 

" Uncle gave gave gave it to me for my birth- 
day," answered John. "When are are are you 



62 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

going going going to catch to catch to catch that 
fairy ? " 

" Oh, well soon catch him," said the doctor. 

" Mind mind mind he does does does not catch 
catch catch you," said John. 

The doctor laughed. " Now, say that again," 
he said. 

" Say say say what again ? " asked John. 

"What you said just now." 

" Say say say what again,'^ said John. 

" What you said just now," repeated the doctor. 

" Say say say what again." 

" No, dear ! Don't you understand ? " said 
Mrs. Sparks. " Dr. Lomas wants you to repeat 
the words you said just now." 

" I did did did," said John. " He told told told 
me to say to say to say what I said said said just 
now, and I did did did." 

Dr. Lomas scratched the back of his head, and 
Mrs. Sparks looked at him anxiously. 

" Look here, young man," he said. " Say this 
after me : ' I can speak quite well when I like \" 

" So I can can can," said John. 

" Say the same words as I do," continued the 
doctor, speaking very slowly. 

" ' The same words as I do do do,* " said John. 



THE FOURTH LESSON 63 

" It's no use ! " said the doctor, looking at Mrs. 
Sparks helplessly. " He is too excited." 

"John, dear," said his mother coaxingly. 
" Listen to me very carefully. Say : ' I can 
speak quite well when I like.' " 

" ' I can can can speak speak speak quite well 
when I like like like,' " repeated John. 

" Try to say it properly, dear," urged his 
mother. 

" I do do do," said John. 

" But you don't," answered his mother. "You 
say it like this : * I can can can speak speak speak 
quite well when I like like like '." 

" Do do do I speak speak speak like that ? " 
asked John, beginning to understand. 

" Yes, dear. And it sounds so silly." 

" You are stuttering," said the doctor. 

" Do do do I really stutter stutter stutter ? " 
asked John. 

" I should think you do ! " replied Dr. Lomas, 
who was feeling rather angry to find that Mrs. 
Sparks had succeeded where he had failed. 

" What words do do do I stutter stutter 
stutter ? " 

" ' Do ' and ' speak ' and ' like ' and ' go,' " 
answered his mother. 



64 FAIEY GRAMMAE 

" What are are are they called called called ? '' 
asked John, realising at last that the fairy had been 
up to his tricks again, and was making him look 
silly. " Are are are they adverbs ? " 

" No. Tl\ey are verbs," said the doctor. 

" Can can can not I talk talk talk properly ? " 

" No, dear. You do not talk very well to-day," 
answered Mrs. Sparks. 

" Then I must must must learn learn learn 
what verbs are are are," said John. " Then I 
shall shall shall talk talk talk properly. The 
fairy said said said so." 

"Very well," said Dr. Lomas cheerfully. "You 
learn what verbs are. Verbs are words that tell 
you what things do or what they have done to 
them." 

" The fairy has has has done done done some- 
thing to me," said John. " Will will will you 
catch catch catch him and pickle pickle pickle 
him .? " 

" We'll catch him all right," said the doctor. 

" I want want want to see to see to see him in 
pickle," said John. 

" Well, be a good boy, and you shall," said the 
doctor. " Good-bye." 

" Good-bye," said John. 



THE FOURTH LESSON 65 

" O, Dr. Lomas, whatever can be the matter 
with him ? " asked Mrs. Sparks, after they had 
left the schoolroom. 

" It is a case of metagrammapsychosis," said the 
doctor, who had been up all night trying to find 
out what the word meant, but without success. 

" That sounds very dreadful," said Mrs. Sparks. 

" It is a very rare case," answered Dr. Lomas, 
looking very profound. " A very rare case. Sir 
Arthur informs me that it is only the second he 
has met with. But I think we shall cure him all 
right." 

" Do you really ? " 

" Oh, yes," said the doctor. 

" He is very much worse to-day," said John's 
mother. " Fm so afraid he is going to be an idiot. 
I couldn't bear it ! Anything better than that ! " 

" Pooh ! My dear madam ! " said Dr. Lomas. 
" Pray do not alarm yourself I can assure you 
there is no danger of that. None whatever. You 
may leave him to us with every confidence." ^ 

Dr. Lomas drove home very deep in thought ; 
and as soon as he reached his study, he went to the 
telephone and called up Sir Arthur James. 

^With every confidence; with perfect trust that they could 
make John well again. 
5 



66 FAIRY GKAMMAR 

" Ah, yes," said Sir Arthur's voice at the other 
end of the wire. " And how does he seem to- day ? " 

And then followed a lot of learned talk, in 
which the two doctors used many long words 
which I will not attempt to repeat, but by means 
of which Dr. Lomas informed Sir Arthur that 
John was stuttering very badly, and still believed 
that he was bewitched by a fairy who was trying 
to make him learn grammar. The great specialist 
made several notes of all that Dr. Lomas told 
him ; said that John was on no account to do any 
more lessons, and that he would come down and 
see him on the morrow. 

Meanwhile John had returned to his clock- 
work engine quite calmly. He did not mind not 
talking properly for a little while, as long as he was 
allowed to do what he liked and play his games ; 
and he thought he might just as well put ofF learn- 
ing what verbs were until he felt inclined. But he 
had not returned to his games ten minutes before 
Miss Walker entered the school-room. 

" There are two friends of yours downstairs," she 
announced. 

" Who P" asked John. 

" Harry and Leslie. Would you like to see 
them .? " 



THE FOURTH LESSON 67 

Now John very much wanted to see them. It 
would be much more fun to have someone to play 
with, and Harry and Leslie were his two particular 
chums. But it was a moment or two before he 
answered. 

" Can can can I speak speak speak properly .? " 
he asked at last. 

Miss Walker looked at him, for she had not yet 
been told of the strange way in which he was 
talking. 

" What do you mean ? " she asked. 

" If I speak speak speak properly, I will will 
will see see see them," he explained. 

" Well, you will not speak properly all the 
while you stutter," replied Miss Walker. 

"Will will will they laugh laugh laugh at 
me ? " 

Then Miss Walker had a sudden idea. " Why 
should they ? " she said ; and John at once con- 
sented to see them. 

Harry and Leslie were about the same age as 
John, and all three were great friends. 

" Hullo ! " they said as they entered the room. 
" How are you ? " 

" All right," said John. " Come come come 
and play play play." 










" Who's the driver ? " asked Harry. 



THE FOURTH LESSON 69 

The two boys looked at him in some surprise, 
and then sat down on the floor by the railway. 

" Let let let us run run run a troop train," 
suggested John. "Get get get the soldiers, Harry ; 
and you shunt shunt shunt the train, Leslie." 

"All right," said Leslie. "Til shunt shunt 
shunt the train." 

John looked at him to see if he was laughing, 
but Leslie*s face was quite serious. 

" Who's the driver ? " asked Harry, taking 
khaki soldiers from a box. 

" I am am am," said John. " Push push push 
the carriage along." 

" Can't you talk properly ? " asked Leslie. 

" Of course I can can can," said John. 

" Can can can," mimicked Leslie. " You are 
quite barmy ! " 

" So are are are you," said John. 

" So are are are you," mimicked Leslie. 

" Shut shut shut up ! " cried John. 

" Shut shut shut up ! " said Leslie, still copying 
him. " He's quite barmy ! " 

" If you say say say that again I will will will 
hit hit hit you ! " cried John, getting angry. 

" He's going to hit hit hit me ! Look look 
look out ! " said Leslie. 



70 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

John grew very red in the face, a sure sign that 
he was losing his temper. But the more he 
tried to speak, the more he stuttered, the more 
fooKsh he looked, and the more the others 
mimicked him. And when at last he burst out 
crying with anger, Miss Walker thought it about 
time to intervene, and bundled the two boys off 
home. 

So John soon found out that it would not do to 
be lazy ; for, when he came to think things over 
calmly, he realised what an awful thing it would 
be for him if he were always to talk like this, as 
he certainly would unless he took the trouble to 
learn what verbs were. And it was just when he 
had come to this conclusion that Miss Walker 
received the biggest surprise in her life. For 
suddenly John asked for a book, and said that he 
was going to pick out all the verbs he could find on 
one page. He stuttered as he said it ; but, when 
he had opened the book, he picked out all the 
verbs without making one mistake ; and, what is 
more wonderful still, he never stuttered. once as he 
repeated them. Which shows that at last Master 
John understood what a verb was. 

It was a long while before he went to sleep 
that night ; not because he could not, but because 



THE FOURTH LESSON 71 

he wanted to keep awake. He tried everything 
to prevent himself from falHng asleep. He pre- 
tended that his bed was an engine which he was 
driving from London to Eastbourne ; then that it 
was a taxi-cab, and that he was taking people 
home from the theatres on a very dark night in a 
very thick fog ; after that, he turned himself into 
the captain of a man-of-war, firing big guns right 
and left at the enemy's fleet, which he fought 
single-handed ; and then, growing tired of the 
more exciting games, he sang to himself all the 
songs he could think of, and repeated all the 
poetry he could remember, until he actually found 
himself slipping off into a doze, and woke with a 
start to play his imaginary games all over again. 

" I do wish he would hurry up and come ! " he 
sighed, with a great yawn that almost dislocated ^ 
his jaw. " I do wish he would come ! " 

Of course, you will have guessed for whom he 
was waiting ; but, in spite of all his efforts to keep 
awake, that animated slate-pencil obstinately re- 
fused to appear. That was very unfortunate, for 
John was fully determined to be very nice to the 
little man this time, to beg his pardon most 
humbly for having defied him, and to ask him to 

^ Dis-lo-cate : to put out of place ; to put bones out of joint. 



72 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

release him from the horrible spells which made 
him look so silly in front of all his friends. He 
was ready to promise that he would learn his 
grammar ever so well in the future, if only this 
terrible little fairy would leave him alone ; and, 
full of these good intentions,^ John tried to keep 
awake until Ram-marg should appear, which he 
knew the fairy was sure to do if only he waited 
long enough. But, as the time went on and he 
grew sleepier and sleepier, John could hold out no 
longer. 

" Perhaps he doesn't rriean to come any more," 
he murmured to himself " Perhaps he is going 
to leave me alone after all." 

And then he snuggled down among the bed- 
clothes, and gave up trying to keep awake any 
longer. 

He had just dreamed that he found himself in 
front of a long table, on which he counted a hun- 
dred and forty-two strawberry ices, seventy-nine 
bars of chocolate, thirty-six oranges, and sixty jam 
tarts of all shapes and sizes, all of which had been 
brought to him by hundreds of animated slate- 
pencils who squeaked and squeaked and squeaked 
as they piled all these good things on the table one 

^ Good in-ten-tions : the good things he meant to do. 



THE FOURTH LESSON 73 

after the other, when he suddenly found himself 
wide awake, and that everything of which he had 
dreamed had disappeared, with the exception of 
the squeaks. 

" Wake up ! Wake up ! Wake up ! " said 
the squeak from the end of his bed. 

" Oh, bother ! " said John, rather annoyed to 
find that the chocolate and the oranges and the 
ices and the tarts were not real after all. "Why 
can't you leave me alone ? " 

Alas ! Poor John had already forgotten his 
good intentions to treat the fairy politely, and 
these had vanished like the other good things in 
his dream. 

" Leave you alone ! " squeaked the fairy sharply. 
" Leave you alone, when you have been waiting 
for me all this time ! What next, I should like 
to know ? " 

" Well, why didn't you come before ? " asked 
John. 

" How could I, when that stupid doctor would 
keep on interfering ! " answered Ram-marg. 
"Why, it was as much as I could do to get here 
at all. Do you know what he is doing ? He is 
trying to put a spell on you. That's what he's 
doing. He is trying to make me a blank. He is 



74 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

trying to wipe me out altogether. He is trying 
to make me into nothing. The idiot ! As 
though he could make something into nothing ! 
But let him look out. I'll pickle him ! FU 
pickle him ! " 

John could tell from the rattle and clatter on the 
bed-rail that Ram-marg was dancing up and down 
with anger ; and, feeling rather cross and sleepy, 
he took no trouble to pacify the little gentleman. 

" I wish he would pickle you," he grumbled. 

No sooner had he said the words, than there 
sounded a loud crack at the bottom of the bed. 
Then there was silence. 

" That's done it," said John, after listening for 
some time without hearing anything. "Now 
he's broken himself all to pieces." 

"John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks," squeaked 
the voice close to his ear, speaking very slowly and 
distinctly, " I am going to break you in pieces for 
that." 

" What are you going to do with me ? " asked 
John, rather frightened at the threat. 

" ADVERBS ! " squeaked the voice. 

" What do you mean ? " 

"prepositions!" squeaked the voice a little 
more faintly. 



THE FOURTH LESSON 



75 



" I don't understand," said John. 

" CONJUNCTIONS ! " squcakcd the voice, now right 
away in the distance. 

" I wish you would tell me what you mean," 
said John ; but, though he listened for a long 
while, no reply came out of the darkness. 

"I wonder what he does really mean," said 
John at last. 

And then he fell fast asleep. 




CHAPTER VI 

THE FIFTH LESSON 

JOHN FINDS THINGS UPSIDE DOWN, AND SO DOES 
SIR ARTHUR JAMES 

« Q< HALL I send for John now ? " asked Mrs. 

k3 Sparks, after a long talk with Sir Arthur 
James and Dr. Lomas in the drawing-room. 
" Perhaps you would like to see him here." 

" My dear madam, not by any means ! " ex- 
claimed the great specialist, rising from the arm- 
chair in which he was sitting. " It is most im- 
portant that the patient should be examined in the 
surroundings to which he is accustomed, so as to 
avoid exciting the mind as much as possible. If 
you will permit me, I will accompany you to the 
nursery." 

He coughed and looked towards Dr. Lomas. 
" Perhaps, doctor, it would be as well for me to 
see my young patient alone," he said, lifting his 
eyebrows. 

"Certainly. Most certainly," replied Dr. Lomas 

76 



THE FIFTH LESSON 77 

heartily, though he was really just a little annoyed 
at not being allowed the satisfaction of a consulta- 
tion on the spot with so great a man as Sir Arthur. 
" Most certainly." 

Sir Arthur walked upstairs with Mrs. Sparks to 
the schoolroom, where John was once more play- 
ing with his beloved clock-work engines ; and, 
at a sign from his mother, Miss Walker left the 
room. 

" Well, my young gentleman," said Sir Arthur, 
looking at John with his keen blue eyes. " And 
how are you to-day ? " 

" Very bad, thank you," said John, rising from 
the floor and standing shyly before the great 
specialist. 

" H'm ! You don't look bad," replied Sir 
Arthur. " What is the matter with you .? " 

" Nothing," said John, rather surprised at the 
question. " I said I felt very bad." 

" Yes, I know. But where do you feel bad ? 
In your tummy, or your head, or your big toe, or 
what?" 

" Everywhere," answered John. 

" Good gracious ! " exclaimed Sir Arthur with 
a short laugh. " What an extraordinary young 
gentleman you must be, to be sure ! Now, 



78 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

supposing you tell me where you feel bad. Is 
your tummy all right ? " 

" No," answered John. 

" Let me look at your tongue." 

John put out his very long tongue, which the 
doctor examined. 

"Nothing wrong with that," he muttered. 
" How is your head ? " 

" It is very bad," said John. 

" Yes, but in what way ? Does it ache ? " 

" Yes." 

" Can you see things properly ? " 

"No." 

" Can you see me ? " 

" No," said John. 

" O John ! " cried Mrs. Sparks. " Whatever 
can be the matter with him ? " 

" Come ! Come ! " said Sir Arthur sharply. 
" Now you are trying to be silly." 

" I am ! " exclaimed John with indignation. 

"Well then, be sensible, there's a good boy. 
Now then ; can you see my finger ? " and Sir 
Arthur held up a fat forefinger a few inches away 
from John's face. 

"No," said John, looking at it, and nearly 
squinting as he did so. 



THE FIFTH LESSON 70 

" Try and touch it," said the doctor. 

John put out his hand at once, and touched 
the finger. 

" O John ! " exclaimed his mother. " Why 
do you tell such untruths ? " 

"I do ! " cried John indignantly. He was 
perfectly well, really, and could not understand 
why he was being asked so many foolish questions ; 
for at present he did not realise that he was answer- 
ing them all wrongly. 

Sir Arthur looked puzzled, and seemed at a 
loss to know what to do next. So, to gain time, 
he took a chair and sat down quite close to John, 
who stood, toying with the engine in his hand. 

" Now look here, little man," he said kindly, 
" you must not be afraid of me, or shy, or anything 
like that, because we are going to be friends, you 
know." 

John was not so sure about that ; but he said 
nothing, and Sir Arthur continued : 

" Your mother says that you have not been 
well lately, and she has asked me to come and 
put you quite right again. See ? So you must 
be a good little boy and do just what I tell you, 
and not be frightened and think that I am going 
to do anything horrible, because I am not. See i 



80 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

Now tell me : what do you do with yourself all 
day?" 

" I play with my toys," answered John, who 
began to have vague ideas that everyone was 
conspiring to persecute ^ him by asking the silliest 
questions they could think of. 

" And where do you play with your toys ? " 

" There," said John. 

" Yes. But where is that ? " 

" There," said John, raising his hand and waving 
it round the room. " In the schoolroom." 

"Oh, here?" 

"No ! There ! " said John, getting cross. 

Mrs. Sparks looked more frightened than ever, 
and Sir Arthur looked grave. 

" Have you seen the fairy any more ? " he 
asked. 

"No." 

" No more dreams ? " 

"No," answered John. "But he is nicely 
angry with you. He says you interfere with him, 
and that he is going to pickle you." 

He remembered that he had annoyed Dr. 
Lomas with this same remark, and hoped that it 

^ Con-spir-ing to per-se-cute : doing th^ir best ^o worry him. 



THE FIFTH LESSON 81 

would have the like effect upon Sir Arthur 
James, for whom he felt a hearty dislike. 

" Oh ! He said that, did he ? And when did 
he say that ? " asked Sir Arthur. 

" To-morrow," answered John. 

" Bless the boy ! " exclaimed Sir Arthur, and 
Mrs. Sparks began to cry. 

" I waited down for him to-morrow," continued 
John, "and I kept asleep until he came. But 
before I had fallen awake, he came and woke me 
down. He said that you never interfered with 
him, so that he could come far to me. He was 
nicely angry with you. He said he was getting 
a pickle unready for you." 

" Dear me ! " said Sir Arthur ; and Mrs. 
Sparks gave a sob. 

" What is the matter ? " asked John, looking 
at his mother anxiously. 

" Nothing ! Nothing ! " cried Mrs. Sparks, 
flinging her arms round him and hugging him 
close. Then she ran out of the room. 

" Ahem ! " said Sir Arthur. 

" Will you please tell me what is the matter 
with my mother ? " asked John. 

" Matter ? " said Sir Arthur. " Bless my soul ! 



82 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

Perhaps I had better go and see. You stay here 
and play with your toys like a good boy." 

Then Sir Arthur followed Mrs. Sparks from 
the room. 

John stood and listened to the sound of his 
footsteps as he made his way down-stairs to the 
drawing-room, the reason for all these extraordin- 
ary proceedings slowly dawning on his mind. 
Then he went to the book-case, and, finding an 
English Grammar, began turning over its pages. 

" Well, Sir Arthur ? " said Dr. Lomas, as the 
great specialist entered the drawing-room alone. 
" What is your opinion to-day ? " 

" I shall continue my treatment," said Sir 
Arthur loftily. 

" Then it is proving successful ? " 

" I am perfectly satisfied," answered Sir Arthur. 
" The patient is progressing quite normally." * 

He walked to the bell,, rang it, and requested 
the maid who answered the summons to inform 
Mrs. Sparks that Sir Arthur James would like to 
speak to her in the drawing-room. 

" I presume that you still wish me to keep the 
boy under observation, and report to you at inter- 

^ Pro-gress-ing quite nor-mal-ly : getting on very nicely. 



THE FIFTH LESSON 83 

vals," ^ remarked Dr. Lomas, as the maid shut 
the door behind her. 

" I am hoping to persuade his mother to allow 
him to enter one of my nursing homes," said Sir 
Arthur. 

" Ah ! Then you consider the case serious ? " 

"Certainly not," replied Sir Arthur sharply. 
" It is interesting, merely interesting." 

And then he gave Dr. Lomas a lengthy explan- 
ation of poor John's strange disease, in which 
many long words were used, as they always are 
between doctors when they are talking profession- 
ally, and which all sounded very learned and 
profound. And, as Sir Arthur appeared to see 
the whole matter very clearly, Dr. Lomas thought 
it best to show that he could see it clearly too ; 
indeed, there is no doubt that he understood every 
word the great specialist said, which is more than 
I can, and which is certainly more than Sir 
Arthur could himself For, although a fairy was 
really at the bottom of all this trouble, not once 
did the great doctor make use of this word in the 
whole of his long explanation. Of course, there 
is no knowing that he might not have said some- 
thing about a fairy, had he had time to finish his 

^ At in-tcr-vals : from time to time. 



84 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

lecture. It must have been a very long one, too ; 
for he had not finished it by the time Mrs. Sparks 
entered ; and she had had time to wash her face 
and do her hair, which takes a lady a very long 
time indeed. In spite of all her efforts with 
water and powder, it was quite easy to see that 
she had been crying. 

" Send John into your nursing home ! " she 
cried, as soon as the specialist had made the pro- 
posal. " O, Sir Arthur, I could never do that ! " 

" But, my dear madam, that is nothing so very 
dreadful," said Sir Arthur. " You would be able 
to see him every day." 

" You must think him in a very dangerous con- 
dition," said Mrs. Sparks, starting to cry all over 
again. 

" Not at all, dear madam ; not at all," replied 
Sir Arthur. " I merely wish to keep him under 
observation.^ It is only that the unconscious 
cerebrations of the anterior lobes in which the 
cortical cellular tissues ^ — " and he once more be- 
gan his long and learned lecture, which left Mrs. 
Sparks exactly as wise as she was before he started 

^ To keep him under ob-ser-va-tion : to watch him very closely. 
^ These are long words used by doctors when they talk about 
the brain. 



THE FIFTH LESSON 85 

it. He ended by assuring her that there was 
nothing the matter with John that he could not 
cure, if only she would allow him to enter his 
nursing home in Belgrave Crescent. 

But this Mrs. Sparks positively refused to do, 
partly because of the terrible expense of the nurs- 
ing home, and partly because, as she declared, she 
would not know how to live without her precious, 
darling John. 

In the ordinary way, Sir Arthur James would 
have been very indignant with any one who dared 
to oppose his wishes in regard to the treatment he 
ordered, no matter how expensive it might be ; 
and very likely he would have refused to attend 
them any longer, or offer them any more advice. 
But, as John's case was a very rare one indeed, and, 
if he could find a cure, would bring him world- 
wide fame, making him the most talked-of doctor 
from the North Pole to the South Pole, and from 
China right away round the world to Japan, he 
at last consented, as a very great favour, to allow 
John to remain at home, where he would visit 
him every day at a fee of ten guineas a visit. To 
which arrangement Mrs. Sparks agreed ; whereat 
Dr. Lomas made a mental note of the fact, and 
determined to put on another two guineas to his 



86 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

fee. Indeed, Mrs. Sparks would have found it 
much cheaper had she allowed John to enter the 
nursing home in the beginning ; and there are not 
many mothers who would be willing to pay such 
enormous sums of money just for the sake of keep- 
ing their boys at home. So this shows how ex- 
tremely unfortunate poor John really was. 

" There is no need to worry at all, Mrs. Sparks," 
said Sir Arthur, as he prepared to leave. " There 
is very little wrong with your boy really ; and I 
have perfect confidence in the treatment I shall 
give him. The child will be perfectly well in a 
month or two." 

All of which shows that Sir Arthur James, 
although he was a great specialist, could be both 
right and very wrong at one and the same time. 
He was right, because, of course, there really was 
very little the matter with John, who was only 
very spoilt, very wilful, and very lazy, or else all 
these terrible things would not have happened to 
him, and he would not have been plagued by an 
obstinate little fairy who meant to cure him. 
But Sir Arthur was quite wrong when he said 
that John would be well in a month or two, and 
that it would be his treatment that would cure 
him. For, as we have seen, Sir Arthur did not 



THE FIFTH LESSON 87 

understand John*s complaint one little bit. How 
could he, when he did not believe in fairies ? 
And, as you will learn if you go on reading, John 
was quite well long before Sir Arthur said he 
would be, and it was not Sir Arthur who cured 
him. 

" I do hope it will be all right," sighed Mrs. 
Sparks over a cup of tea, which she was having 
with Dr. Lomas in the drawing-room after the 
departure of the specialist. " Sir Arthur seems 
very confident ; but there is no doubt that John 
is ever so much worse this afternoon. He talked 
utter nonsense all the time Sir Arthur was with 
him, just as though he was an idiot. It was 
terrible to hear him." 

'' Ah ! " said Dr. Lomas, who, from what Sir 
Arthur had said, thought that John was much 
better. " Dear me ! You don't say so ! " 

"It made my heart bleed," said Mrs. Sparks. 

Dr. Lomas evidently understood what she meant 
by saying this, for he made no offer to apply his 
skill in checking the flow of blood from this deli- 
cate organ, which could not have been very seri- 
ously injured, or surely Mrs. Sparks would have 
begged for his professional services. As a matter 
of fact, Dr. Lomas was thinking of othei things 



88 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

than hearts. He had not forgotten that Sir 
Arthur had made him stay downstairs, instead of 
asking him to go to the nursery with him to ex- 
amine John, a little matter which had caused the 
good doctor some irritation. He was as anxious 
to study John's case as Sir Arthur was himself 

" The child seems to me little better than an 
idiot," said Mrs. Sparks. 

" You don't say so ! " said the doctor again. 
"Dear me ! But tell me exactly, my dear Mrs. 
Sparks, in what way do you mean that the boy 
seemed — -er — er — mentally deranged ? " 

"Yesterday it was all stuttering," said John's 
mother, " and although that seemed only a passing 
attack, to-day he cannot even talk sense. I only 
wish his father was back from America ! " 

" Perhaps this is only another attack to-day," 
suggested Dr. Lomas. " I wonder if I might see 
the child myself presently." 

" I will send for Miss Walker to take you to 
the schoolroom," said Mrs. Sparks. " I will not 
come myself, as I could not bear to see him again 
like that," and she dropped two tears into her cup 
of tea, which were so large that they must have 
made it taste quite salt. 



THE FIFTH LESSON 



89 



So Miss Walker was sent for, and Dr. Lomas 
followed her to the nursery. 




CHAPTER VII 

THE SIXTH AND SEVENTH LESSONS 

DR. LOMAS LEARNS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 
PREPOSITIONS AND CONJUNCTIONS ; AND SO 
DOES JOHN 

JOHN was busy with his grammar bcx)k, which 
was open at a page headed adverbs, when 
Dr. Lomas entered the schoolroom. At his own 
request, Miss Walker closed the door after him, 
leaving him alone with the boy. 

" Ha ! what is this ? " asked the doctor, picking 
up the book. " English Grammar ? What are 
you worrying your head over that for ? Time 
enough to learn grammar when you are older." 

" I am learning adverbs," said John. 

" Adverbs ! Bless my soul ! Bothered if I 
can remember what adverbs are myself." 

"They modify all parts without speech with 
nouns and pronouns, and answer from questions 
how, when, and where," said John. 

" Indeed ? " said the doctor, staring at him, 

90 



SIXTH AND SEVENTH LESSONS 91 

" But what are you bothering your head over this 
stuff for ? Much better play with your toys." 

"But I had to learn what adverbs are," said 
John, " because I could not speak properly until I 
did. Ram-marg said I wouldn't, and I didn't. I 
had to learn a part without speech every day." 

" And who is Ram-marg ? " asked Dr. Lx)mas 
with growing surprise, putting up his eye-glass. 

" Don't you know ? He's a fairy who is making 
me learn my parts without speech. He comes 
from me every night, and sits under the rail 
without my bed. But I have told you all that 
before, only you would not believe me. You said 
you would catch him and put him out of pickle ; 
but you didn't, for he still comes from my room 
out the night." 

A brilliant idea was slowly dawning in the 
mind of Dr. Lomas. Such an idea ! One that 
might make him famous, more famous even than 
Sir Arthur James. And Sir Arthur had not hinted 
a word of it down in the drawing-room. 

" If I don't learn my parts without speech," 
continued John gravely, " then Ram-marg makes 
mc say silly things behind people, as I did behind 
Sir Arthur James just now." 

Dr. Lomas's idea was growing larger and larger ; 



d2 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

and the larger and clearer it grew, the more 
excited Dr. Lomas began to feel. 

"And where does this fairy come from, and 
what is he like, eh ? " he asked. 

" I suppose he comes to fairy-land," replied 
John ; " and he's like a slate-pencil without legs 
and arms. He has a head under his body without 
a face, and his eyes nearly stand into his head when 
he is angry. His beard jerks from his chin when 
he speaks, and he sits behind me under the bed- 
rail, and squeaks from me into the dark, like a 
pencil scratching under a slate. He gets awfully 
angry without me, I can tell you." 

Dr. Lomas muttered something about "reflex 
action " and " reverse processes," ^ and turned over 
the pages of the grammar book. 

"What was the last thing you learnt?" he 
asked. 

" Adverbs," said John. 

" And have you learnt what an adverb is ? " 

" Of course I have," said John. " I told you 
just now. Adverbs are parts without speech that 
modify all other parts without speech with nouns 
and pronouns, and answer from questions how, 
when, and where." 

^ Words used by doctors when speaking of the nerves. 



SIXTH AND SEVENTH LESSONS 93 

" Clever boy ! " said Dr, Lomas, trying to con- 
ceal how very excited he was feeling. It was 
really a wonderful discovery he was making. 
" Now say that all over again." 

John repeated it as well as he could, while Dr. 
Lomas looked intently at the open page before 
him. 

" What comes next ? ** he asked. 

" Prepositions," said John. 

" And what is a preposition ? " 

"A preposition is a part without speech that 



*' Governs a noun or pronoun," prompted the 
doctor as John paused. 

*' I don't know it," said the boy. 

" And shows its relation to some other word in 
the sentence," Dr. Lomas completed. 

" Do I speak all right now ? " asked John. 

" No," answered the doctor. 

" Oh, dear ! " sighed John. " Do I still say 
silly things ? " 

" I should think you do," answered the doctor, 
who was now feeling really very excited. 

" Is it the adverbs f " asked the boy anxiously. 

" No ! Prepositions. All your prepositions 
are wrong," cried Dr. Lomas triumphantly. 



94 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" Oh, dear ! '' sighed John again. " Then I 
suppose I must learn what prepositions are. May 
I have the book, please ? " 

Dr. Lomas handed it to him, and watched him 
as he learnt, thinking all the while how extra- 
ordinarily clever he had been to make his discovery, 
and of all the fame which it would bring him. 
He, Dr. Lomas, L.R.C.P., M.R.C.S., was on the 
point of solving a problem which had baffled all 
the learning and experience of the great Sir Arthur 
James, Bart., M.D. No wonder he watched John 
eagerly as he sat poring over ^ the grammar. 

Presently John closed the book. 

" A preposition," he began, " is a part of speech 
that govems a noun or pronoun, and shows its 
relation to some other word in the sentence. Is 
that right ? " 

" Yes ! " said the doctor eagerly. 

" To, with, from, out of; are they prepositions ? " 

" Yes ! " cried Dr. Lomas. " That's right." 

" By, except, for, into, in ; are they preposi- 
tions ? " 

" Yes ! Yes ! " cried the doctor. " That's 
right ! That's quite right ! You can say them 
all right now, by Jove ! " 

^ Poring over : looking very carefully at. 



SIXTH AND SEVENTH LESSONS 95 

John's face broke into a smile. " Yes, I know 
what prepositions are now," he said. 

" By Jove ! Yes," said the doctor. " Funny 
thing, eh ? Fancy learning them like that, what ? " 

"But therefore nevertheless notwithstanding," 
said John. 

" Eh ? " said the doctor, staring at him. 

" How so moreover however indeed ; either 
or, neither nor," said John. 

" Conjunctions ! " shouted the doctor. 

John looked at him in amazement. " Whether 
or as-a-matter-of-fact by-the-by .? " he asked. 

" More conjunctions ! " screamed the doctor. 

" Whether or as-a-matter-of-fact by-the-by ? " 
asked John again. 

But Dr. Lomas did not wait to reply. With 
a great shout of " Eureka ! " which means that he 
wished to tell the whole street that he had found 
what he had been seeking, he dashed out of the 
nursery, slammed the door after him, bounded 
down the stairs, taking them four at a time, and, 
much to the alarm of Mrs. Sparks, ran round and 
round the drawing-room, looking for his hat. 

" Good gracious me ! " cried Mrs. Sparks. 
" Whatever is the matter .? " 

" IVe got it ! " yelled the doctor. 



96 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

"What ? What is it ? " gasped Mrs. Sparks, 
hardly knowing whether she should faint or call 
for the police. 

" My hat ! " cried the doctor. 

Fully convinced that he had suddenly gone mad, 
Mrs. Sparks hid herself in the furthest comer of 
the room and pulled a table in front of her. 

" My hat ! " cried the doctor again. " Where 
is my hat ? " 

"In the hall," answered Mrs. Sparks with 
difficulty. 

Dr. Lomas rushed into the hall, seized his hat 
from the hat-stand, and, jamming it on to his head, 
appeared once more at the drawing-room door. 

" It's all right, my dear Mrs. Sparks ! " he 
cried. " IVe got it ! Adverbs ! Prepositions ! 
Conjunctions ! Under my very nose, my dear 
madam ! Under my very nose ! " 

And, having frightened Mrs. Sparks out of her 
very wits. Dr. Lomas rushed off home to tell the 
whole world what a wonderful discovery he had 
made, and what a marvellously clever fellow he 
was to make it. 

Meanwhile, fully convinced that Dr. Lomas 
had gone quite mad, Mrs. Sparks rushed upstairs 
to see what awful things had happened to her be- 



SIXTH AND SEVENTH LESSONS 97 

loved John, and fully expecting to find that Dn 
Lomas had been cutting him up into little pieces 
on the nursery table with a penknife. You can 
imagine her delight at finding him safe, and how 
she threw her arms round his precious little body. 

" And there by-the-by ? " said John. 

" Darling ! " cried his mother. " And are you 
quite all right ? " 

" Moreover notwithstanding nevertheless," an- 
swered John. 

" What did you say, darling ? " 

" Moreover notwithstanding nevertheless," said 
John. " But than, or so if" 

His mother looked at him in dismay. " Is 
there anything the matter, darling .? " she asked. 

" But," said John. 

"Can't you speak to me, dear?" asked Mrs. 
Sparks anxiously. 

" And," said John. 

But the more she questioned him, the more 
hopeless did his answers seem ; until at last, really 
afraid that he had gone quite silly, she held a 
frightened consultation with Miss Walker as to 
what was the best thing to be done. Eventually 
they decided that he ought to have perfect rest in 
a darkened room ; and, in spite of many angry 

7 



98 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

protests in a very curious language, John was 
carried kicking and struggling to his bedroom, un- 
dressed, and put to bed. And there, with drawn 
blinds, shutting out the sunshine from the room, 
and deprived of his beloved grammar in which 
his only hope of salvation lay, John sobbed him- 
self to sleep, while Mrs. Sparks telephoned an 
urgent message to Sir Arthur James, begging him 
to come at once. 



CHAPTER VIII 
JOHN LEARNS THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 

A sleeping draught was the only thing that 
made John go to sleep that night. They 
made him drink it as soon as it arrived from the 
chemist, as the result of his mother's frantic tele- 
phone message to Sir Arthur James ; and John, 
too weak from crying, and too miserable to resist, 
drank it up, made a face, and said, " Nevertheless ! " 

All that evening and all that night he lay like a 
log, while Dr. Lomas, with wet towels round his 
head, was writing away, hour after hour, telling 
the world all the wonderful things that had 
happened to John, all about his head, and his 
brain, and his eyes, and his tongue, and even 
about his nose, so that the world might the more 
easily understand what a clever fellow Dr. Lomas 
was, and what a mighty discovery he had made. 

And, strangely enough, in another study inside 
another house somewhere in Harley Street, which 
is the one great street in London where all the 

99 



100 



FAIRY GRAMMAR 



doctors who want to be famous live, where all the 
big men and all the little men have brass plates 
outside their front doors, which are kept so bright 




that the brass plates of the little men shine just as 
much as the brass plates of the big men, and make 
them look just as important ; in the study of the 
house in Harley Street sat Sir Arthur James, doing 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 101 

just the same thing as Dr. Lomas. Only he had 
not got a wet towel round his head, and he did 
not sit writing quite into the small hours of the 
morning ^ like Dr. Lomas. But then Sir Arthur 
James was already famous, while Dr. Lomas only 
hoped to become so by taking a short cut which 
did not lead through Harley Street ; so that will 
account for the wet towels and the small hours of 
the morning. But they were both writing about 
our young friend John, sleeping the sleep of the 
drugged in his comfortable bed ; and there are 
not many boys of eight years of age who can 
boast of having made two doctors sit up all night, 
just for the purpose of describing the curious 
things which have happened to them. 

Funnily enough, it was just as Dr. Lomas put 
down his pen, took off the wet towel from his 
head, and turned out the electric light thinking it 
about time he went to bed, that John woke up. 
What it was that made him wake like that he did 
not know; but the light of morning was creeping 
through the blinds of his bedroom, when he sud- 
denly found himself wide awake and sitting bolt 
upright in bed. And there, perched on the rail 

^ The small hours of the morning: the hours just before 
daybreak. 



102 FAIRY GRAMMAR ^ 

at the foot of the bed, with a wide grin running 
round his funny little face, which made it look as 
though the whole top of his pencil-like head were 
about to fall off, was Ram-marg. 

" Well ? What is a conjunction ? " were the 
first words that the grinning little fairy spoke. 

" A part of speech that has no meaning, as a 
noun or verb or adjective has," answered John. 

" Quite right," said Ram-marg. " But what 
is it for .? " 

" I suppose it must join words and sentences to- 
gether," answered John, surprised at his own 
knowledge. For, of course, he had not been able 
to learn about conjunctions, because they had taken 
the book away from him. He only knew from 
painful experience that, spoken by themselves, 
they had no sense, and conveyed no meaning to 
anybody. Therefore they miist be used to join 
words and sentences together, the only thing left 
for them to do. 

" Quite right," said Ram-marg again. " And 
how did you like it ? " 

" Not at all," answered John, quite truthfully, 

" It is just a week ago to-day since I came to 
you," said the fairy. " Do you remember that ? " 

It was not likely that John would forget it. 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 103 

since he had such good cause for remembering 
his first terrible experience. 

" What have you got to say for yourself now ? " 
asked the little fellow. 

John made no reply. Very few people can find 
an answer to that sort of question. 

" Shall I tell you ? " asked Ram-marg. 

" If you please," said John. 

"Well, you are a much nicer boy than you 
were eight days ago." 

John looked at him in surprise, and Ram-marg 
I continued : " You have learnt something, which 
I you never did before. You have learnt your parts 
I of speech, for one thing ; and you have learnt that, 
as long as you did not know anything about them, 
you only looked a fool. And you did look a fool, 
too. There ; now what have you to say about 
me ? " 

Again John was silent. He could not very 
well say what he thought, for by this time he was 
heartily afraid of the little man, and would not 
offend him for worlds, as he certainly must if he 
was to answer him truthfully. And when you 
cannot say anything nice about a person, it is far 
better to keep silent. At any rate, it is the wisest 
thing to do when you are face to face with him ; 



104 FAIEY GRAMMAR 

unless, of course, you happen to be the stronger of 
the two, when it is quite a simple thing to say 
what you think. There are some people who de- 
clare that you ought never to say behind a person's 
back what you would not say to his face ; and, 
although that is an excellent rule to follow if you 
can, I am quite sure that John could not have 
done so, and that if Ram-marg had not been sit- 
ting opposite him on the bed-rail, he would have 
said some horrible things about him. But, as 
Ram-marg was there, John said nothing ; which, 
after all, was the best thing he could say. 

" Shall I tell you ? " asked the fairy presently. 

" Very well," he continued, as John still kept 
silent. " You think that I am a nasty, interfering 
little beast, who has given you the worst week you 
ever had in your life ; and, if you had your way, 
you would like to grind me up into powder and 
push me into all the inkpots so that you could not 
write any more." 

John hung his head and began to feel uneasy. 

" Do you know what would happen if you did 
that ? " asked Ram-marg presently, swinging his 
little legs up and down. " Do you know what 
would happen if you were able to get rid of me ? 
You would be committing suicide. You would 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 105 

become an idiot, and then you would^ commit 
suicide. As it is, you have nearly been an idiot. 
So you know what that is like. Well, that's the 
step just before suicide." 

John shivered to think how near to the brink 
he had been. 

" And, now we know what we think of each 
other, you are going to have your reward," an- 
nounced the fairy. 

John turned pale. Reward ! He was to re- 
ceive a reward for thinking all those nasty things 
about Ram-marg ! What dreadful thing was go- 
ing to happen next ? 

"Don't get excited," said the fairy, grinning 
more than ever at the look on John's face. " You 
just wait until I have turned upside down and inside 
out." 

So saying, he suddenly cocked his heels up in the 
air, and the next moment he was standing on his 
head. 

" Now," he said, " shut your eyes and count 
a hundred, while I turn inside out." 

John faithfully did as he was told and, after he 
had counted one hundred, opened one eye very 
slowly. Then he opened the other wide in sur- 
prise at what he saw. For there, sitting on the 



106 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

bed-rail where the little man had been but a 
moment ago, was the daintiest, prettiest little thing 
John had ever set eyes on. Her thin gossamer 
dress was trailing over the bed -rail, revealing two 
of the most perfect little feet imaginable ; her bare 
arms were raised to lift the waves of fair hair that 
tumbled about her shoulders ; and from between 
the waves smiled the most mischievous, winsome, 
sweetest little face that John had ever seen. 

He rubbed his eyes again and again, staring at 
this wonderful little vision in silence. But she 
was real enough ; for, crossing one knee over the 
other, she clasped her hands round it and smiled 
back at him. And, when she laughed, it was 
just like the tinkle of those glass things that are 
sometimes hung up in front of the window for 
the wind to play with, only it was much more 
musical and delicate. 

" Don't you know me ? " she asked. 

John was too surprised to answer. He could 
only sit there and look, and look, and look. 

% Don't you see," she explained presently, " that, 
all the time I was Ram-marg, you only saw me 
as I seemed to be ? I was like a man then, be- 
cause boys like you always want a man to deal 
with them. If you had seen me as I really am, 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 107 

you would have wanted to catch me and stick me 
to a board with pins, as you do with the butter- 
flies. So I had to make you rather afraid of me, 
because you simply would not learn, and did not 
want to know anything about me at all. But 
when I turned upside down just now, I turned 
from Ram-marg into Grammar ; and, now that I 
have turned inside out, you see me as I really am, 
and no longer as I seem to be to idle boys. And 
do you know why that is ? " 

" No," answered John, thinking how wonderful 
and dainty and ever so beautiful the Httle lady 
looked, and how glad he was that she had turned 
inside out. 

" It is because you never see the best of people 
on the outside," she said. " All that is kind, and 
beautiful, and nice about them is kept locked up 
inside, and none of them are really what they seem. 
They so often look ugly because they will not let 
what is nice come out ; and it is only when you 
begin to know them properly that you find how 
sweet and nice they really might be if only they 
would. And it is the same with me. Now you 
understand me better, you find that I am not 
nearly so nasty as you thought." 

" I think you are just wonderful,'* said John. 



108 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

" And I am very useful, too," said the dainty 
little lady, " as you will find out as you grow older. 
And, if you always keep friends with me, I can 
help you ever so much." 

« How ? " asked John. 

" As long as you want to know more about me, 
I shall sit on your shoulder and whisper in your 
ear whenever you need my help," was the answer. 

As you can imagine, the idea of having such a 
dainty little person to help him whenever he 
needed help pleased John immensely. 

" Is that really true ? " he asked. 

" Have I told you anything that has not been 
true ? " she asked in return ; and John had to admit 
that he had never been misled since Ram-marg 
had taken him in hand. 

"There is one thing of which I must warn 
you," continued the fairy in a very serious voice. 
" If you want me to help you, you must always 
believe in me. People will say all sorts of things 
if you tell them about me. They will say that it 
is all rubbish ; that there is no such person as 
Fairy Grammar, and that it is all imagination. 
But don't you believe them." ^ 

" I'm not going to," said John. ^m 

"There are people like those two silly old 




The Fairy stepped on the •onbeam.* 



110 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

doctors — " she was continuing, when suddenly her 
cheeks dimpled, and she broke into peals of 
tinkling laughter. 

" They said that they were going to pickle me, 
but you have no idea what a pickle I have ready 
for them ! " And she laughed so much that she 
had to hold on to the bed-rail to keep herself from 
falling off. 

" What do you mean ?" asked John, very curious 
to know how she was going to effect this wonderful 
operation, and what the trick was she was about to 
play on the doctors. 

"Never mind now," she answered. "You just 
wait and watch. Now I must be going, for the 
sun is quite up, and here is my moving staircase 
waiting for me." 

She pointed to a beam of sunlight that came 
through a hole in the blind and slcJited down to 
the brass rail of the bed ; and, rising to her feet, 
she picked up her dainty gossamer dress and moved 
towards it. At the foot of the sunbeam she paused, 
and turned to John. 

" Don't forget the three things I have told you," 
she said. " Always want to know more about me ; 
always believe in me ; never believe in people 
who say I am not real." 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 111 

So saying she stepped on the sunbeam, and was 
carried slowly up the slanting ray of light. 

" Good-bye ! " she called, as she n eared the 
top ; and, kissing her hand to him, she was drawn 
right through the hole in the blind and disappeared 
from his sights 

It was not until a long while after that John 
learnt the nature of the pickle which the mischiev- 
ous little fairy had prepared for the two doctors. 
As you have already been told, Sir Arthur 
James was engaged in writing a wonderful lecture 
all about the strange behaviour of John, whom, 
of course, he quite believed that he had cured. 
But whatever induced Dr. Lomas to do the very 
same thing I do not know, unless, of course, iti 
was the fairy who made him think of it. But 
the fact remains that they did both write a won- 
derful lecture about John, which each finished 
about the same time, and which each sent to be 
printed in two different papers which doctors read, 
without either of them knowing what the other 
was doing. 

As luck would have it, both these lectures 
appeared in print during the same week. In 
both were the same particulars about John ; but, 
whereas Sir Arthur James never even mentioned the 



112 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

name of Dr. Lomas, Dr. Lomas said a great deal 
about Sir Arthur James. But then Dr. Lomas 
had a reason for doing that ; for he wanted the 
world to understand that he was far cleverer than 
Sir Arthur James, since he, Dr. Lomas, had been 
the one to find out the cause of John's strange be- 
haviour, which Sir Arthur had failed to discover, 
and therefore that he, Dr. Lomas, had been the 
one to cure him. Of course, he did not say this 
in so many words, but he led people to believe 
that it was so. He said that John's strange 
behaviour was all due to the fact that, when John's 
father was a little boy, he had had a heavy knock 
on the head while he was learning grammar ; so 
that, when John started to learn grammar, his 
brain refused to act properly and made him 
stutter at every part of speech until he had learnt 
it properly. Consequently, by making him learn 
his grammar as quickly as possible, Dr. Lomas 
had completely cured John of his trouble. Of 
course, if Dr. Lomas had known that Sir Arthur 
James was going to write to the papers about it, 
he would never have done so too ; but he thought 
that the case was quite an ordinary one in Sir 
Arthur's opinion, and that the great specialist 
would never trouble himself about it. 



THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL 113 

Now, Sir Arthur James was a very great man, 
and his account of John's funny attack was written 
as a very great man should write such a thing ; 
that is to say, it was heavy, learned, and profound. 
He said it was a new disease, which he called by 
that long name he had made up while he was 
coming downstairs from his first visit to John. 
And he explained why he called it by that name ; 
but he did this in such a way that I cannot hope 
to make you understand it. 

Naturally, he was furious when he heard that 
Dr. Lomas had written about John too ; and, 
being a very big man, he tried to get all the other 
doctors to say that Dr. Lomas was not fit to be a 
doctor any longer. In fact, he was so very nasty 
that he put Dr. Lomas into a very bad temper ; 
so that, instead of saying how sorry he was that 
he had made a mistake. Dr. Lomas wrote a letter 
to the papers, saying that it was he. Sir Arthur 
James, who had made the mistake, and that he 
was quite wrong about John from beginning to 
end. 

From that day, their friends took up the 
quarrel. Sir Arthur's pointed out how badly Dr. 
Lomas had written his lecture, and how many 
mistakes in grammar he had made ; whereupon 



114 FAIRY GRAMMAR 

the friends of Dr. Lomas began to pull Sir 
Arthur's lecture to pieces, and showed that it, too, 
contained mistakes in grammar. And, as this 
happened to be quite true, it shows that the Fairy 
Grammar had been up to her tricks with both 
the doctors, and that this was what she meant when 
she said that she had a pickle ready for them. 

After that, all the other papers joined in the 
quarrel, not only in England, but all over Europe 
and America ; and some said Dr. Lomas was 
right, and some said that Sir Arthur was right, 
with the result that, between them, John became 
famous all over the world, and had his portrait 
printed in every illustrated paper everywhere. 
And, all the while, the real cause of all this tre- 
mendous to-do was chuckling and laughing to 
herself over the merry tricks she had played on 
those who did not believe that there was such a 
person or thing as a Fairy Grammar. 

But John did ; and right away on until he 
became an old man he kept Fairy Grammar as 
his friend. And, according to her promise, she 
sat on his shoulder and whispered in his ear while 
he was writing, so that in time people began to 
say how well he wrote and what perfect language 
he used, and were glad to read everything he 



THE 3IGGEST LESSON OF ALL 115 

cared to write. In the end he became even 
more famous than Sir Arthur James or Dr. 
Lomas, although he had a regular family of names 
to be called by ; and all because, when still quite 
a little boy, John Henry Arthur Percival Sparks 
had learnt that there was such a thing as The 
Fairy Grammar. 



APPENDIX 
THE PARTS OF SPEECH IN RHYME 

1 . A Noun names a person, a place, or a thing ; 
As : Johny Mary^ London^ kitten^ booky ring. 

2. A Pronoun's a word that stands for a Noun ; 

As : The man was so tired that / made him sit down. 

3. An Adjective usually goes with a Noun ; 
As: Mother has got a pretty new gown. 

4. A Verb is a word that does or that tells ; 

As : James is a boy ; Mr. Jones buys and sells. 

5. An Adverb with Verb or with Adjective goes ; 
As: The horse ran away ; You've a very red nose. 

6. Prepositions relate Nouns or Pronouns to Verbs : 
Jane gave it to me ; Donkeys feed upon herbs. 

7. Conjunctions link Nouns or Clauses together : 

Tom and Dick are good friends, but they fought on the 
heather. 



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